My Seed Stories

Keling is generally viewed as a deragatory word referring to Indians. Call an Indian “keling”, and almost immediately you’ll be met with stares and blood-shot eyes with tightly gripped fists aching for a facial contact. If you’re all by yourself and you use that word in Bangsar, Brickfields or Klang, you might return home with a few bruises. Possibilities exist that you might not return at all. Too bad those dumb politicians are still able to return to the parliament or state councils.

These days, like Chris Rock said, everything needs to be politically correct. You know you cannot be politically correct all the time. And so, it all comes down to context. In what sense do you mean the word when you say it, and how does it justify you saying it. Most of the time, all these would mean zilch, so you better just avoid saying stuff in the first place, especially if you have limited vocabulary.

According to the Keling Council formed just around 35 seconds ago in my head, there is a situation where calling an Indian “keling” is accepted. You are allowed to call an Indian “keling” IF

The local time is between 2.00 am and 4.00 am, and you’re all by yourself just returning home from your mamak session with your friends. You head over to your car, and just as you open your door, a very old, drunk and homeless Indian man in his 40s, dressed only with a torn pair of jeans and an unbuttoned, hole-ridden shirt, sneaks up behind you and hits you on your head with his empty Guiness Stout bottle, shattering the glass into a million pieces, at the same time giving your punk ass a fucked up concussion that leaves you totally disoriented and crying like a baby. Which is when that old man reaches in your back pocket, snatches your wallet, empties the cash, spits a huge loogie in the wallet and shoves it back into your pocket, all the while taking a piss into your leather-seated Toyota Camry and letting out a huge stinking fart in your face while you’re still writhing like a worm. And almost right after that, that man forcefully kicks your nuts three times, making you assume the foetal position while crying louder for your mama like the girl you are.

Ugly guy; possibly wanting to rob your ass

This entitles you the chance to apply for a Keling Utterance in Non-permanent Terms (K.U.N.T.) privilege card from the Keling Council. You should bring along a copy of your MyKad and a copy of the police report made about the incident that happened and a processing fee of RM 150.00 (non-returnable). The members of the Keling Council will provide you with a K.U.N.T. card if all conditions are met. Appeals are entertained based on the amount of bribe given, on par with the government’s practice.

The K.U.N.T. card holder will hold the following privilege for one (1) week:

1. Permission to call Indians “keling”; with the exception of children below 12 years of age, senior citizens above the age of 60, pregnant women and the physically and mentally disabled members of society.
2. Sing “keling” songs at public gatherings
3. Producing written instances of “keling” in physical or electronic format.

Upon the expiration of the K.U.N.T. card, all priveleges will be revoked and the common law for dealing with idiots who use the word “keling” without regard to sensitivities will be reinstated upon his/her candy ass.

Holders of the K.U.N.T. card must produce the card if asked by any member of the society, be it Indian or not. Failure to comply will result in a smackdown. If at all you are assaulted for having said “keling” in public, you may produce (if you prefer) the K.U.N.T. card in order to defend (a.k.a. justify) yourself.

Consequence of not using the K.U.N.T. card

Of course, all this is bullshit. You don’t need to be a K.U.N.T. to call someone “keling”. In most cases, Malaysians of Chinese and Malay origins who enjoy close company with Indians tend to use the word in the presence of their friends without batting an eyelid. Why? Coz it’s always the intention and the underlying tone while uttering “keling”.

In tight-knit groups of friends, you can never fail to see a Malay, Chinese or a Coconut (Indian who doesn’t speak any Indian dialects) who are usually referred to as “keling”s themselves. How does one qualify into this special fraternity? Skin colour alone does not make you a “keling”. Here are some of the tests you need to pass to be initiated (100% score not needed; judgment will be made by your peers):

• Eat with your hands; if on banana leaf, wipe down the leaf with your fingers then proceeding to lick them loudly
• Drink alcohol like it was water (optional, and Muslims are exempted)
• Able to cuss in Tamil.
• Arrive 2 hrs late for any appointment
• Wear jewelery like you robbed Poh Kong
• Refer every other person as macha, machi, Joe, Mike
• Know at least one handsome tamil movie actor (Surya, Vikram) and/or one ugly ass actor (T. Rajendar, Vijayakanth)
• Tolerate spicy food
• Think 2-day old fish curry goes awesomely with thosai

So, that’s just a roundup on “Keling” according to me. Anything else, ask other kelings.

Related posts:

1. A Seedy Guide to Malaysian Indians – The Culture
2. A Seedy Guide to Malaysian Indians – The Food