In a public statement, the Rainbow Coalition has deemed this act to be severely prejudiced, saying that it has nothing to do with the rally in downtown KL on July 9th and has always been non-partisan. They also added that in light of the current statement by Yorais, they are heavily considering to lend their support to that coalition that aims for clean something something something.

Seditious

“Continous discrimination towards anything yellow in colour will only create more sympathisers to the cause“, quipped Violet, President of the Rainbow Coalition. “Yellow is one of the most esteemed member of our coalition, and we will not cast him out“.

Last week, the yellow Teletubby, Laa-Laa, was arrested in the most unceremonious fashion. Amateur videos have implicated law enforcement officers smashing the television screen on Laa-Laa’s belly and screaming obscenities such as “Balik Tubby-land laaaa! Pengkhianat!“. Laa-Laa is currently held under the Emergency Ordinance although under what pretense, it is still unclear. Other teletubbies, Dipsy,Po and Tinky Winky have condemned the act and promised to hold a candlelight vigil every night until Laa-Laa is released. The vigil has entered its 6th day now.

Pictured: The end of Malaysia

Meanwhile, the Sinestro Corps, which went underground earlier this month, anticipating crackdown by the officials, have released a video from a cave. Al-Jareeza Engrish picked up the video, which was broadcast last night. It’s leader, Thaal Sinestro, issued a statement – YAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHGGGHHHH!!!!!. Nothing more is known other than the fact that the fear of yellow has fed the Sinestro Corps with more power and they will be poised to take over Bolehland soon, with the exception of The Juice stepping in to finish the job themselves.

Yellow never looked more powerful. Or butt-ugly,

The local daily, Utusan Meloya, claims that they know everything about this, though. Meanwhile their editor, Bawang Selamat, is still looking for answers for yesterday’s crossword puzzle. Reports leaked out that he is unable to solve the clue “Xanthophobia is the fear of the colour ________”.

- Bulshittin’ Utama (part of Berita Tipu Networks Inc)

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Of course, you are waiting for the Star Wars analogies here as well, right? Of course you do! DiGi iPhone 4 is like a lightsaber. A lightsaber is bound to its owner. A lightsaber is the Jedi’s lifeline. He wields it with might to conquer all before him. I am a Jedi (or a Sith Lord, whichever floats your boat) and the iPhone 4 is my lightsaber. I can rule the my world with it.

The iPhone 4 with DiGi will be my life. I want it. I need it. I must have it. I hold Nuffnang and DiGi to all that is just and fair in this world – give this Jedi Knight his lightsaber. Give me an iPhone.

Related posts:

1. DiGi iPhone 4 Me
2. DiGi iPhone 4 Real

Come on, now. You’d be kidding yourself NOT to think DiGi has the cheapest iPhone 4 rates. But there’s always a favourite part of the plan that an individual will love, right? I’m no different myself. If there’s one part I love here, it’s the awesome 24 month Auto-Billing plan.

Those red slash marks on the price are very attractive to me

Check it all out HERE!

Why do I love ‘em? It’s a two-pronged attack from DiGi that left me paralyzed and wanting the iPhone 4 as much as Darth Vader wanted to breath without making that god-awful noise. If you choose auto-billing from DiGi (which I almost always select whenever I buy most products online), you save the hassle of going to your local post-office or DiGi Center to make your bill payment. Imagine the money you’ll save for not driving around in our hot weather and wasting petrol trying to find a parking spot until which by then you’ve realised your lunch break is almost over and you gotta return to the office without lunch AND without paying your DiGi bill. Isn’t that a waste? Wouldn’t the Auto-Billing offered by DiGi save you from all that?

This is what I can do while paying my bill.

Remember I said it was a two-pronged attack? I can’t deny the fact that I absolutely love the fact that when you select Auto-Billing, you get a frickin’ RM 5 slashed off your bill!!! Now this is like Luke Skywalker saving the day AND having Anakin return to the Light Side of the Force. Double whammy for you, THE CUSTOMER!!! I can’t say any other plan is more appealing than this one.

DiGi offers you simplicity, AND it rewards you for wanting to be hassle free! Perhaps Lando Calrissian should’ve taken a cue from DiGi when he decided into cohorting with Darth Vader.

Doesn’t this make you go, yo, is this 4 real????!!!

Related posts:

1. DiGi iPhone 4 Life
2. DiGi iPhone 4 Me

Two telcos offered the phones, and while the debate goes on who has the better deal, I think I’ll just stay with DiGi for as long as it takes. After all, they offered the most affordable plan for my current iPhone 3GS. Yellow man rules, eh? **Hint hint – free publicity here***

Now, why do I want an iPhone 4 from DiGi? Well, simple reason actually. I’m an iPhone fanboy, and iPhone fanboys get really pissy when they don’t have the latest iPhone to play with. I don’t wanna end up like the guy in the pic below.

No FaceTime for him coz no iPhone 4. Not to mention he's butt ugly.

iPhone 4 holds you in the pinnacle of your life. It’s like climbing the Mount Everest of mobile phone technology without the aid of oxygen tanks and proceeding to do the shuffle dance there celebrating your victory. The iPhone 4 takes over you, holds your soul between its awesome glass & steel covering, thereby slowly assimilating your life into world of Apple while slowly pushing your social status upwards towards the society’s elite group of men and women. I shall forever use my fame and fortune that accompanies me to do good for the society, like helping blind folks cross the street and changing the TV channel in an old folks home when they are bored watching the same stuff again and again.

For when I hold the iPhone 4 in my hands, I am granted the amazing power rivaling even that of Excalibur, the famed poking instrument owned by King Arthur himself. The Lady of The Lake would surely bestow all her worldly powers unto me. Wielding the iPhone 4 will also give me immense power and control over both sides of the Force, as the combination of an awesome man like myself and an awesome gadget like the iPhone 4 will result in as discharge so bright and powerful that the resulting energy can be tapped to power 17 Death Stars, 12 gramaphones, 5 kitchen blenders and 2 lava lamps and a robotic partridge in a pear tree. Just imagine. Darth Vader would throw away his lightsaber and beg me for mercy upon just looking at me with the iPhone 4 in my hands. Obi Wan would be proud of me.

Wimp with a glowstick

What of my chances with the ladies? Surely having the iPhone 4 would incredibly boost that chance. Taking the iPhone 4 with me to the mamak shop and sitting there elegantly talking on the phone (with FaceTime, of course) would sure make the women there go wild and gaga over me. Plenty would approach me with the offer to buy me a sirap bandung or a plate of maggi goreng telur mata kerbau as they bask in the awesome halo that the angels presented me for possessing a device touted to bring world peace and end world hunger. Tree huggers would also swoon over me as I’d be able to save the whales using just one app from the App Store.

The iPhone 4. I am sure that I am destined to own one soon. DiGi and NuffNang, here’s your chance increase your awesomeness and present me with the iPhone 4!

Wanted: God's toy

Still don’t believe all those things I said above? Then just please accept the reason that I simply love having the iPhone 4 for it’s elegance and style, not to mention the immense functionality that it brings with it. Sure, I could use it to play games and listen to songs while I’m bored, or manage my daily expenses or even have birthday reminders buzz me at 7am in the morning making sure that I don’t forget to wish my loved ones “Happy Birthday”. I could use to to tweet and to surf FaceBook. I could use it to blog and I could use it to control my PC from my living room. But hey, that’s what everybody entering this contest would say. Me, well, most of all, I want the iPhone 4 coz it would make me more powerful that Darth Vader. That is all. May the force be with you.

Related posts:

1. DiGi iPhone 4 Life
2. DiGi iPhone 4 Real

Maybe it’s time to weed out certain men (and women) at office who are clearly sitting in a nation’s parliament as big, stinking turds. A big fiasco is born whenever an election nears, where every single issue at hand is whined upon and lamented with such drama that the cast of The Bold and The Beautiful would simply cry while watching. So, doesn’t it seem fitting that when we can compare these scenarios to day-time soap operas, we can also try to implement some movie-styled justice?

The BadAss Policeman
A big top cop might be able to do the trick. Picture this: an honest cop, not wanting to stay in the bottom ranks, bribes and cheats his way to the top. When he’s up there, he sets out to do what he dreamed of doing his whole life. To bring the corrupt and evil to justice. Punish the wrongdoers up there in the high echelons of power. Martial law. No talks. Just guns, bullets, and handcuffs. His enemies would surely bring out the story that he has his share of bribes and scandals. He bribes the investigators in the name of the Utilitarian Concept. Since he has the top job, his job of cleaning the country would be much easier. When the smoke clears, he resigns and turns surrenders to the police for his own past crimes, albeit being sincerely loved by the public for being their dark knight. This is surely much better than a whiny top cop who doesn’t know that crossing roads when the light is red is wrong.

Imagine THIS GUY as your next IGP. Now tremble in fear.

The Vigilante
Get someone with the flair and style of The Punisher. Yes. The Marvel comic character. The vigilante can go around with all guns blazing (literally and figuratively). Judge, jury and “punisher”. Albeit with a good understanding of the law and binding loyalty to upholding the law and the truth, just like The Daredevil. Not some trigger happy punk. Bullets lay waste to gang leaders and rapists and sadists and traitors. Instigators of disharmony wounded or crippled to teach a lesson to others. Or perhaps some insanely rich guy dressed as a bat walking around at night beating criminals to a bloody pulp. You know he ain’t gonna kill anyone. The worst thing he could do is drop you off the roof of a one-story building and watch you writhe in pain due to your shattered leg bones.

Now serving JUSTICE, with a side order of PAIN

A Mole
What about a mole from the inside? A member of the current power, collecting and compiling mismanagement issues with proof. Feeding loyal and true policemen with valuable information for criminal trial. Wouldn’t that be great? Criminals cussing and killing among themselves, looking for the traitor amongst them. Ala Reservoir Dogs. Ouch. They can kill each other at the end. Malaysia runs out of popcorn by the end of the saga. We all get our country back.

Just don't tell the mole that his ending involves bucketloads of his own blood.

But doesn’t all of this instigate instability? Won’t all of this ruin a country? No. It wouldn’t. It closes the way for more problems in the socio-economics of a country. Sacrifice. Unwavering faith and loyalty towards one’s country. A duty of every citizen to make sure that idiots don’t end up corrupting the sacred ideology of independence. To make an example of one guilty man so that none may repeat the others’ acts. So that the act discrimination will itself be discriminated. So that life may continue with hopes of survival and advancement in matters of the mind.

Screw all this. You don’t need to don a cape nor carry a gun. All you need to do, is exercise your right to vote. Vote out the pests that are tainting our country.

Independence from foreign rulers is an accomplishment. A birthright of every citizen to live in his own land without being suppressed in any manner. Independence from internal corruption is a privilege for only those who are willing to think of his fellow brethren rather than for his own gain. Honour is still bestowed upon you when you break free from the clutches of outside parties by forming your own ideologies. But greater honour is bestowed when you dare to take a stand against all those who dare to corrupt the ideologies that everyone fought for against the outside parties.

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An internet troll is an internet user who posts messages on a public space to cause disruption. They have been quite active lately, appearing in TwitterJaya and propagating pro-government stances although there seems to be very less substance and too much noise in them. Trolls used to live under bridges and scare billy goats, yet now they’ve evolved to use BlackBerry devices and (some) join political parties.

Trolling Twits - Similar, but a lot more uglier

TwitterJayans have seen their own share of trolls in other past internet exploits (eg: blogs, Facebook) but these Trolling Twits seem to be a new breed. Just like the Uruk-Hai. The Uruk-Hai are a meaner version of Orcs. Parallel to that, Trolling Twits are a meaner bunch than forum trolls armed with years of experience in stupidity.

There are a few characteristics of this new breed of trolls that you may want to know in order to recognize them. Trolling Twits are a special breed, often blabbering about nonsense for hours at end sometimes, and it is not hard to distinguish them in TwitterJaya. Here are some of the characteristics.

Reign of Idiocy
Trolling Twits are a stupid bunch. Some twits have bachelor’s degrees yet it does nothing to elevate their intelligence. The Trolling Twits speak out of their asses and they also have trouble comprehending messages by other twitterati. Poor spelling and poor grammar can be attributed to the fact that our Bolehland education system doesn’t actually come out tops in the region, but it takes a toll when poor grammar makes the inferred meaning different than the implied notion. Then these trolls go noising around saying other tweeps are twisting and turning their “facts” when then real fact is they are just too dumb to talk nor comprehend others.

Remember I R Baboon? He's definitely smarter. Relatively.

Let The Insults Fly
Insults aren’t new to TwitterJaya. Satire is as common as politicians breaking promises. The difference is, political satire must be subtle. I myself, am a satirist (if I do say so myself) and my tweets cater to a specific audience that understands satire and gain plenty of laughs from it. Trolling Twits, on the other hand, directly tag the twitter handle of people, and insult them directly. Decorum is a lost art. They only serve to piss people off and certainly there aren’t any laughs coming from it. Sometime I do wonder whether are they affected with Tourette’s syndrome. Although I do have to admit that we laugh AT them for their idiocy mentioned earlier. Hmmmm… maybe they’re not so bad, eh?

Women? Pergggghhh!
Trollin Twits seem to have no care for female members of TwitterJaya, at least for opposition politicians. Though I’d be ready to bet my last plate of mutton perattal that they’d be ever so ready to sellout the females in their fraternity once their vested interests disappear. Insulting is one thing, but directly mentioning a woman and teasing her with sexual innuendos just proves either one of these two things: they simply have no respect for women, or they have mommy issues. Either way, it tells so much of their upbringing. Looks like mommy and daddy spent too much time doing things other than teaching good manners, eh?

Now, son, you do not treat women like garbage.

Block Block Block!
Trolling Twits get very defensive when they aren’t able to argue properly, and start throwing hissy fits rivaling the tantrums of 15-year old girls who are forbidden to watch sparkly vampires in the theater. Most common act that follows after that is the blocking of your twitter profile so that you will not be able to follow them. Yes, it’s true that one retains the right to control who gets to have a peek of their tweets and all, but sometimes the reasons borders on ridiculous and will only make them appear even more of an idiot (which is really really really hard to achieve with them already having a very low IQ). Though if someone else blocks them from following, they immediately go on a public hissy fit condemning that said person, completely ignoring the fact that they’ve trolled on that said person’s timeline over and over again.

The characteristics above are the most common ones proving the existence of Trolling Twits. There are also many other characteristics of these Trolling Twits such as the inability to argue or debate (a characteristic clearly inherited from their whipping masters) and the over-eagerness to be relevant to other TwitterJayans. That can be exemplified with their lame and cheap-ass attempts to start hashtag crazes which always never does catch up, resulting in them looking like thrown out banana skins. If you’re a Trolling Twit and you’re reading this, my advice is, give the fuck up with trying to be funny, eh? You just sound so ridiculous.  Leave it to the pros. Or at least the ones who ARE funny. Not hissy.

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Latest news is that tigers all over Malaysia are outraged at this spectacle. A member of their species is being mistreated, and they’ll be damned if they just sit still. The official spokestiger for the Malayan Tiger, Datok Seri Hari-hari Mau, said “We tigers are deeply saddened by this event. The humans are asking for too much. We have already sacrificed a lot for the humans by not eating them and letting them colonize the jungles to make way for cities and towns. What more do they want?“. He later let out a mighty roar and proceeded to shit beside the rostrum.

The Malayan Tigers are expected to be picketing in front of A’Famosa tomorrow. Inside sources led us to believe that they will be throwing their dung onto Albuquerque’s statue to show that they “have had enough of this shit“.

A time when human-tiger relations were good

The Bengal Tigers in India are also outraged at this unforeseen, but not unprecedented event. They however, are not planning anything divisive and would do things the way Mahatma Gandhi did. A fasting event is scheduled to take place on sunrise tomorrow at New Delhi. The Bengal Tiger Satyagraha Movement of Non-Eating will be expected to hand a memorandum to the PM of India, requesting India to pressure Malaysia to take positive actions.

Rogue Bengal Tiger, Shere Khan of the Tigerban, has come out with a Youtube video recorded in cave of undisclosed location. Sporting a rather large turban and unshaven fur on his face, Shere Khan, who went into hiding after unsuccessful guerrilla wars against Captain Mowgli in India, threatened Mankind saying at all Big Cats must rise against the evil and (mostly) capitalist man. “We will crush man with our powerful jaws and incisor teeth and tear their flesh out of the bones. Then we will enjoy a cool dip in a pond and sleep thereafter.“, he said, while waving his paws with the claws out, clearly just sharpened and polished with Mr. Brasso.

Shere Khan - Fucking Pissed Off

Thundercat member, Tygra, who is also second-in-command, has commented very little on the matter. He entered into deep meditation to connect with his tiger forefathers and pray for a swift and amicable solution between humans and tigers. Lion-O was unreachable, as sources say that Cheetarah was in heat and Lion-O was probably banging her kitty brains out.

Just including this picture for fun

Across East Malaysia, the Bornean Clouded Leopards have also spoken out in regards to the A’Famosa debacle. “Why is it that discrimination is very widespread in West Malaysia? Here, the humans do not mind us no matter what fur pattern we have, be it spotted, striped or being an albino. They equally fear us all and will automatically run away in the opposite direction as fast as they can.”

The American Pumas, or more commonly known as Cougars, are taking a liberal stance on this matter. Their spokescougar, Courtney Cox-Arquette, said that they are all deeply saddened by the matter, but cannot do anything much. “If the Malayan Tigers feel they are being discriminated, the American doors are always open for them to seek asylum at. This is an equal opportunity country even for an animal.“

Pictured: A Cougar

If Malaysians would care to remember, the last animal protest was by some cows, in regards to the cow-head matter in Shah Alam. The cows walked together hand-in-hand with pigs in protest to being used as political tools. Their effort was however snubbed by frogs.

- Berita Tipu

PS: Make yourself heard. Social media has never been more powerful to help bring justice. View twitter topics such as #tolongTiger and #tolongTigers.

PS-2: Don’t ask me why am I asking for support for tigers and not for our fellow “human” Malaysians. I have been doing the latter for the past few years through my blog writings. You might have been just too stupid to understand.

PS-3: Tiger Balm company stocks have plunged. Maybank hasn’t issued a statement yet. The Malaysian Football Team, Harimau Muda, is quiet. Might as well be. They look lethargic and under-perform even without sedatives.

PS-4: Jibby is launching a 1Tiger campaign. PERKOSA is however preaching that the tigers deserve the treatment and they shouldn’t “talk shit”.

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So, it got me thinking, with the help of fellow satirists from Twitter (Bongkersz and Anthraxxxx), that there are many things that have arose from the campaigning in Hulu Selangor. Malaysians would do well to learn from it and at the same time give me increased site hits so that I can supplement my income.

Lesson 1: Don’t embarrass yourself (and others) with bad English

Sourced from Balajoe27

Why P Kamalanathan is the correct candidate for Hulu Selangor?

Chief Kamalanthan has been active in politics since age of 18 year’s old where grownup from grassroots to a position where he is now. Kamalanathan’s Chief of Putera MIC is equal to a battalion’s of army, he has assist many youth’s to a correct path, helping poor students to achieve their ambition. He is a man who really cares for the people. Being like a big brothers to friends & family s this man has made few program which made most of our indian festival in limelight.He has organized National ponggal celebration, Muruku for charity , Forum’s for IPTA and IPTS students , the most record attempt program was doing kolam at up of the KL tower. Such a program’s made MIC and putera MIC top in flash news. We dont just talk, please see this images and link that we have provided.

I think the writer wanted to say “equal to an army batallion”. I don’t think that’s a valid argument here. If we remember correctly, the army lost two fucking jet engines and momentarily had an unsinkable submarine. By the way, airforce/navy/army is like to-may-to/to-mah-to.

Lesson 2: Murukku will save the day

We do not need a man who stands up for the principle he holds true. So what if Zaid resigned because he protested the use of ISA on those 3 people? Apparently, 1Malaysia man Kamal Alan Nathan has done Murukku for charity. I didn’t say it. It was from the Putera MIC website itself (quoted above).

It takes 20 men to make 1 murukku

Lemme tell you about murukkus. Why are they the benchmark of a perfect candidate? They are crunchy. They are yummy. Try eating them dipped in teh tarik. I assure you that it is awesome. Be a man. Try it. I’m talking nonsense. The end.

Pisang goreng has got nothing on murukku.

Lesson 3: Use common sense when doctoring images online

Every political lapdog should know how to superimpose an image properly. It is utterly embarrassing to, you know, get caught doctoring images to spread lies then trying to justify yourself. Next time you wanna do this, make sure you get an image from an independent source, not a very famous online newspaper, you twits.

As you can see, Zaid has magical powers to drink from an unopened bottle.

At least try to employ professional graphic artists. Not some cheap-ass university dropout with MS Paint mentioned in his resume. That twit didn’t even produce the image in higher quality. Real smart. Guess that cybertrooping class didn’t pan out very well, eh?

Photographic evidence that Zaid and Anwar are aliens. You can see their UFO there.

Lesson 4: Make PR stunts convincing.

Kissing hands isn’t a very uncommon thing here in Malaysia. The only catch is, you gotta learn how to fucking do it correctly. If your target person has a squeamish face when you’re about to perform the act, then it’s all downhill from there. Seriously, it looks like he’s afraid of contracting leprosy.

Ewwww!!! Geddit off me! Geddit off me! Geddit off meeee!!!!!

Lesson 5: Stay away from whatever it is that you are smoking.

Watch the video below.

Lesson learned. Don’t smoke crack, kids.

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The art of laughing, first discovered by man when possibly after discovering fire, when a caveman sat too close to it and burned off his pubic hair resulting in mass hysterical laughter by his fellow cave dwellers, is fast becoming a lost art. Bolehland netizens, who mostly use the internet to download porn and watch Youtube clips, are becoming increasingly anal and to a certain level, certified fuckheads when they cannot even comprehend disclaimers put on satire/parody sites.

After failing this with flying colours, proceed to make a police report.

The rule of idiocy looks to be the order of the day. Two biggest communities in Bolehland — Fesbuk and Twitterjaya — are quite influential in spreading links of funny articles and scantily-clad women to their peers. The issue here is, many fuckheads tend to overlook the obvious notices of satire/parody — for example, when a blog clearly mentions “True lies. Total horsecrap. Absolute fiction.” on its main banner for all to see. They then post links in the said communities with emotionally charged comments like “Don’t tok sheeeet!” or “Tiu Nia Bu!!!“. Of course their fellow commenters, who miraculously also lose all ability to perceive logic at the drop of a hat, spread the message with even more venom instead of toilet humour, make the whole debacle more serious that it should have been.

The total arse-ness of Bolehland citizens in reference to satire/parody can be actually blamed on the failed education system. Bolehland practices a very special type of teaching method called “spoonfeed-your-pupils-till-their-brains-stop-functioning-and-they-develop-learning-impediments“. The pupils in school have everything stuffed down their throat by when after the initial 11-year period, they lose all ability to think critically, thus humour is lost. As they say, comedy is serious business.

Authorities in Bolehland were never known to be receptive to satire/parody. With leaders being accused of sodomy and other out-of-this-world sexacapades (honestly, they’re not out of this world. They take place in shady hotels with hidden cameras or condominiums which need passwords to enter), it is no surprise that most men of power in Bolehland walk around with a retractable baton wedged inside their lazy arses.

Retractable batons – Guaranteed to remove humour

Is there hope for satire and parody in Bolehland? Will laughter rule the nation again? I’m not too sure. Let’s just hope the electricity stays on long enough for you to finish reading this, lest you go around the city shouting “Tiu Nia Bu!“.

— Berita Tipu. Kalau hang nak caya, hang ni memang bodoh sial.

This blog sympathizes Hassan Skodeng for the unfair treatment he’s being subjected with, due to the epidemic of “stupidity” spreading far and wide in Bolehland. Keep on fighting.

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So I came up with a bit more of such conversations. And who are we kidding here, eh? It’s the best time to be doing this kinda stuff coz of all the crap in Malaysia that’s going on. I mean, can there BE any other country in the world right now that’s a fucking smorgasbord of humour and satirical material?

And oh, it’s my final one. I gotta go look for some other material. Here you go, folks!

M’sian FB Conversations Part 1 and Part II

Related posts:

1. Malaysian Facebook Conversations: Vol. II
2. Malaysian Facebook Conversations