Okay this might seem a very very very late post, but it was bound to come up, you know. Twitter has been quite the phenomenon here in Malaysia for the past year or so where it had picked up a lot of speed and seemed to have slowed down blogging. This is thanks in part to the nature of twitter allowing you and your followers to engage each other almost immediately and also the ability instantly share replies and comments in your own timeline. Lately, TwitterJaya (TJ), the Malaysian twitter universe has seen a rise in trolls and this deeply infuriates the regular Twitteratis.

An internet troll is an internet user who posts messages on a public space to cause disruption. They have been quite active lately, appearing in TwitterJaya and propagating pro-government stances although there seems to be very less substance and too much noise in them. Trolls used to live under bridges and scare billy goats, yet now they’ve evolved to use BlackBerry devices and (some) join political parties.

Trolling Twits - Similar, but a lot more uglier

TwitterJayans have seen their own share of trolls in other past internet exploits (eg: blogs, Facebook) but these Trolling Twits seem to be a new breed. Just like the Uruk-Hai. The Uruk-Hai are a meaner version of Orcs. Parallel to that, Trolling Twits are a meaner bunch than forum trolls armed with years of experience in stupidity.

There are a few characteristics of this new breed of trolls that you may want to know in order to recognize them. Trolling Twits are a special breed, often blabbering about nonsense for hours at end sometimes, and it is not hard to distinguish them in TwitterJaya. Here are some of the characteristics.

Reign of Idiocy
Trolling Twits are a stupid bunch. Some twits have bachelor’s degrees yet it does nothing to elevate their intelligence. The Trolling Twits speak out of their asses and they also have trouble comprehending messages by other twitterati. Poor spelling and poor grammar can be attributed to the fact that our Bolehland education system doesn’t actually come out tops in the region, but it takes a toll when poor grammar makes the inferred meaning different than the implied notion. Then these trolls go noising around saying other tweeps are twisting and turning their “facts” when then real fact is they are just too dumb to talk nor comprehend others.

Remember I R Baboon? He's definitely smarter. Relatively.

Let The Insults Fly
Insults aren’t new to TwitterJaya. Satire is as common as politicians breaking promises. The difference is, political satire must be subtle. I myself, am a satirist (if I do say so myself) and my tweets cater to a specific audience that understands satire and gain plenty of laughs from it. Trolling Twits, on the other hand, directly tag the twitter handle of people, and insult them directly. Decorum is a lost art. They only serve to piss people off and certainly there aren’t any laughs coming from it. Sometime I do wonder whether are they affected with Tourette’s syndrome. Although I do have to admit that we laugh AT them for their idiocy mentioned earlier. Hmmmm… maybe they’re not so bad, eh?

Women? Pergggghhh!
Trollin Twits seem to have no care for female members of TwitterJaya, at least for opposition politicians. Though I’d be ready to bet my last plate of mutton perattal that they’d be ever so ready to sellout the females in their fraternity once their vested interests disappear. Insulting is one thing, but directly mentioning a woman and teasing her with sexual innuendos just proves either one of these two things: they simply have no respect for women, or they have mommy issues. Either way, it tells so much of their upbringing. Looks like mommy and daddy spent too much time doing things other than teaching good manners, eh?

Now, son, you do not treat women like garbage.

Block Block Block!
Trolling Twits get very defensive when they aren’t able to argue properly, and start throwing hissy fits rivaling the tantrums of 15-year old girls who are forbidden to watch sparkly vampires in the theater. Most common act that follows after that is the blocking of your twitter profile so that you will not be able to follow them. Yes, it’s true that one retains the right to control who gets to have a peek of their tweets and all, but sometimes the reasons borders on ridiculous and will only make them appear even more of an idiot (which is really really really hard to achieve with them already having a very low IQ). Though if someone else blocks them from following, they immediately go on a public hissy fit condemning that said person, completely ignoring the fact that they’ve trolled on that said person’s timeline over and over again.

The characteristics above are the most common ones proving the existence of Trolling Twits. There are also many other characteristics of these Trolling Twits such as the inability to argue or debate (a characteristic clearly inherited from their whipping masters) and the over-eagerness to be relevant to other TwitterJayans. That can be exemplified with their lame and cheap-ass attempts to start hashtag crazes which always never does catch up, resulting in them looking like thrown out banana skins. If you’re a Trolling Twit and you’re reading this, my advice is, give the fuck up with trying to be funny, eh? You just sound so ridiculous.  Leave it to the pros. Or at least the ones who ARE funny. Not hissy.

No related posts.

If you don’t know what’s going on, let me give you a summary. A video taken at A’Famosa, Malacca shows a tiger being used in a show where people can take photographs with. The tiger looks lethargic and could’ve been drugged. The handle handles the tiger roughly by slapping it and pulling its whiskers while the tiger just lays there with a sunken head, much like how that PERKOSA chairman is after he down a large helping of sup torpedo.

Latest news is that tigers all over Malaysia are outraged at this spectacle. A member of their species is being mistreated, and they’ll be damned if they just sit still. The official spokestiger for the Malayan Tiger, Datok Seri Hari-hari Mau, said “We tigers are deeply saddened by this event. The humans are asking for too much. We have already sacrificed a lot for the humans by not eating them and letting them colonize the jungles to make way for cities and towns. What more do they want?“. He later let out a mighty roar and proceeded to shit beside the rostrum.

The Malayan Tigers are expected to be picketing in front of A’Famosa tomorrow. Inside sources led us to believe that they will be throwing their dung onto Albuquerque’s statue to show that they “have had enough of this shit“.

A time when human-tiger relations were good

The Bengal Tigers in India are also outraged at this unforeseen, but not unprecedented event. They however, are not planning anything divisive and would do things the way Mahatma Gandhi did. A fasting event is scheduled to take place on sunrise tomorrow at New Delhi. The Bengal Tiger Satyagraha Movement of Non-Eating will be expected to hand a memorandum to the PM of India, requesting India to pressure Malaysia to take positive actions.

Rogue Bengal Tiger, Shere Khan of the Tigerban, has come out with a Youtube video recorded in cave of undisclosed location. Sporting a rather large turban and unshaven fur on his face, Shere Khan, who went into hiding after unsuccessful guerrilla wars against Captain Mowgli in India, threatened Mankind saying at all Big Cats must rise against the evil and (mostly) capitalist man. “We will crush man with our powerful jaws and incisor teeth and tear their flesh out of the bones. Then we will enjoy a cool dip in a pond and sleep thereafter.“, he said, while waving his paws with the claws out, clearly just sharpened and polished with Mr. Brasso.

Shere Khan - Fucking Pissed Off

Thundercat member, Tygra, who is also second-in-command, has commented very little on the matter. He entered into deep meditation to connect with his tiger forefathers and pray for a swift and amicable solution between humans and tigers. Lion-O was unreachable, as sources say that Cheetarah was in heat and Lion-O was probably banging her kitty brains out.

Just including this picture for fun

Across East Malaysia, the Bornean Clouded Leopards have also spoken out in regards to the A’Famosa debacle. “Why is it that discrimination is very widespread in West Malaysia? Here, the humans do not mind us no matter what fur pattern we have, be it spotted, striped or being an albino. They equally fear us all and will automatically run away in the opposite direction as fast as they can.”

The American Pumas, or more commonly known as Cougars, are taking a liberal stance on this matter. Their spokescougar, Courtney Cox-Arquette, said that they are all deeply saddened by the matter, but cannot do anything much. “If the Malayan Tigers feel they are being discriminated, the American doors are always open for them to seek asylum at. This is an equal opportunity country even for an animal.“

Pictured: A Cougar

If Malaysians would care to remember, the last animal protest was by some cows, in regards to the cow-head matter in Shah Alam. The cows walked together hand-in-hand with pigs in protest to being used as political tools. Their effort was however snubbed by frogs.

- Berita Tipu

PS: Make yourself heard. Social media has never been more powerful to help bring justice. View twitter topics such as #tolongTiger and #tolongTigers.

PS-2: Don’t ask me why am I asking for support for tigers and not for our fellow “human” Malaysians. I have been doing the latter for the past few years through my blog writings. You might have been just too stupid to understand.

PS-3: Tiger Balm company stocks have plunged. Maybank hasn’t issued a statement yet. The Malaysian Football Team, Harimau Muda, is quiet. Might as well be. They look lethargic and under-perform even without sedatives.

PS-4: Jibby is launching a 1Tiger campaign. PERKOSA is however preaching that the tigers deserve the treatment and they shouldn’t “talk shit”.

No related posts.

Comedy is serious business, okay? It’s just too taxing to write satire every few days or so without any trace of alcohol in the blood. I wonder how these politicians can keep up the comedy show every single day without fail.

So, it got me thinking, with the help of fellow satirists from Twitter (Bongkersz and Anthraxxxx), that there are many things that have arose from the campaigning in Hulu Selangor. Malaysians would do well to learn from it and at the same time give me increased site hits so that I can supplement my income.

Lesson 1: Don’t embarrass yourself (and others) with bad English

Sourced from Balajoe27

Why P Kamalanathan is the correct candidate for Hulu Selangor?

Chief Kamalanthan has been active in politics since age of 18 year’s old where grownup from grassroots to a position where he is now. Kamalanathan’s Chief of Putera MIC is equal to a battalion’s of army, he has assist many youth’s to a correct path, helping poor students to achieve their ambition. He is a man who really cares for the people. Being like a big brothers to friends & family s this man has made few program which made most of our indian festival in limelight.He has organized National ponggal celebration, Muruku for charity , Forum’s for IPTA and IPTS students , the most record attempt program was doing kolam at up of the KL tower. Such a program’s made MIC and putera MIC top in flash news. We dont just talk, please see this images and link that we have provided.

I think the writer wanted to say “equal to an army batallion”. I don’t think that’s a valid argument here. If we remember correctly, the army lost two fucking jet engines and momentarily had an unsinkable submarine. By the way, airforce/navy/army is like to-may-to/to-mah-to.

Lesson 2: Murukku will save the day

We do not need a man who stands up for the principle he holds true. So what if Zaid resigned because he protested the use of ISA on those 3 people? Apparently, 1Malaysia man Kamal Alan Nathan has done Murukku for charity. I didn’t say it. It was from the Putera MIC website itself (quoted above).

It takes 20 men to make 1 murukku

Lemme tell you about murukkus. Why are they the benchmark of a perfect candidate? They are crunchy. They are yummy. Try eating them dipped in teh tarik. I assure you that it is awesome. Be a man. Try it. I’m talking nonsense. The end.

Pisang goreng has got nothing on murukku.

Lesson 3: Use common sense when doctoring images online

Every political lapdog should know how to superimpose an image properly. It is utterly embarrassing to, you know, get caught doctoring images to spread lies then trying to justify yourself. Next time you wanna do this, make sure you get an image from an independent source, not a very famous online newspaper, you twits.

As you can see, Zaid has magical powers to drink from an unopened bottle.

At least try to employ professional graphic artists. Not some cheap-ass university dropout with MS Paint mentioned in his resume. That twit didn’t even produce the image in higher quality. Real smart. Guess that cybertrooping class didn’t pan out very well, eh?

Photographic evidence that Zaid and Anwar are aliens. You can see their UFO there.

Lesson 4: Make PR stunts convincing.

Kissing hands isn’t a very uncommon thing here in Malaysia. The only catch is, you gotta learn how to fucking do it correctly. If your target person has a squeamish face when you’re about to perform the act, then it’s all downhill from there. Seriously, it looks like he’s afraid of contracting leprosy.

Ewwww!!! Geddit off me! Geddit off me! Geddit off meeee!!!!!

Lesson 5: Stay away from whatever it is that you are smoking.

Watch the video below.

Lesson learned. Don’t smoke crack, kids.

No related posts.

Kuala Gempur, God-Knows-When — The nation of Bolehland has been shocked at finding that most of its citizens are now considered to be dimwits. Unable to comprehend the most basic of satires and parody, these new breed of stupid men and women all over the country are taking things too seriously.

The art of laughing, first discovered by man when possibly after discovering fire, when a caveman sat too close to it and burned off his pubic hair resulting in mass hysterical laughter by his fellow cave dwellers, is fast becoming a lost art. Bolehland netizens, who mostly use the internet to download porn and watch Youtube clips, are becoming increasingly anal and to a certain level, certified fuckheads when they cannot even comprehend disclaimers put on satire/parody sites.

After failing this with flying colours, proceed to make a police report.

The rule of idiocy looks to be the order of the day. Two biggest communities in Bolehland — Fesbuk and Twitterjaya — are quite influential in spreading links of funny articles and scantily-clad women to their peers. The issue here is, many fuckheads tend to overlook the obvious notices of satire/parody — for example, when a blog clearly mentions “True lies. Total horsecrap. Absolute fiction.” on its main banner for all to see. They then post links in the said communities with emotionally charged comments like “Don’t tok sheeeet!” or “Tiu Nia Bu!!!“. Of course their fellow commenters, who miraculously also lose all ability to perceive logic at the drop of a hat, spread the message with even more venom instead of toilet humour, make the whole debacle more serious that it should have been.

The total arse-ness of Bolehland citizens in reference to satire/parody can be actually blamed on the failed education system. Bolehland practices a very special type of teaching method called “spoonfeed-your-pupils-till-their-brains-stop-functioning-and-they-develop-learning-impediments“. The pupils in school have everything stuffed down their throat by when after the initial 11-year period, they lose all ability to think critically, thus humour is lost. As they say, comedy is serious business.

Authorities in Bolehland were never known to be receptive to satire/parody. With leaders being accused of sodomy and other out-of-this-world sexacapades (honestly, they’re not out of this world. They take place in shady hotels with hidden cameras or condominiums which need passwords to enter), it is no surprise that most men of power in Bolehland walk around with a retractable baton wedged inside their lazy arses.

Retractable batons – Guaranteed to remove humour

Is there hope for satire and parody in Bolehland? Will laughter rule the nation again? I’m not too sure. Let’s just hope the electricity stays on long enough for you to finish reading this, lest you go around the city shouting “Tiu Nia Bu!“.

— Berita Tipu. Kalau hang nak caya, hang ni memang bodoh sial.

This blog sympathizes Hassan Skodeng for the unfair treatment he’s being subjected with, due to the epidemic of “stupidity” spreading far and wide in Bolehland. Keep on fighting.

No related posts.

The response for the last fake Facebook conversations has been absolutely amazing! It’s been a while since I experienced such high hit numbers, and by my standards, those numbers are like WHOA!

So I came up with a bit more of such conversations. And who are we kidding here, eh? It’s the best time to be doing this kinda stuff coz of all the crap in Malaysia that’s going on. I mean, can there BE any other country in the world right now that’s a fucking smorgasbord of humour and satirical material?

And oh, it’s my final one. I gotta go look for some other material. Here you go, folks!

M’sian FB Conversations Part 1 and Part II

Related posts:

1. Malaysian Facebook Conversations: Vol. II
2. Malaysian Facebook Conversations

Idle hands are the tools of Satan. Or so they say. With all the issues we’re neck-deep in Malaysia now, it’s no wonder that people with plenty of imagination like me can sit down, draw up an article and make fun of the happenings that are holding us by the balls today.

You can find the Vol 1 of the Malaysian Facebook Conversations HERE. But right now, have a look at the following load of crap.

Oh yeah, I ran out of ideas sooner this time… Must be the blood polluting my alcohol stream after the New Year’s party

Related posts:

1. Malaysian Facebook Conversations
2. The Final Cut – Malaysian Facebook Conversations: Vol. III

After a few days of rest, my brain jump-started back to life. Since I am having waaaaayyy to much fun with GraphJam, I thought, hey, what the heck… Let’s do some graphs just for my fellow Malaysians. Now now, I promise this won’t be the last. You know how crazy I can get at times.

PS: I’m sorry for not having pics of booby and bootylicious women. They’ll have to wait.

No related posts.

Have you ever went to a party, and are ignored by most of the crowd? Fear not. I give you 5 steps to make sure that you WILL be the center of attention. Though I do not promise on whether it would be positive or negative attention, I do promise that you will get SOME attention. Some people may give you their name cards. Others may call you names. Some might wanna sleep with you. And perhaps some might also wanna murder you. It’s all in how you play the game.

1. Drink alcohol.
If you are drinking rose syrup and trying to initiate a conversation, chances are that you will not be heard. People might even think you are invisible. Have some alcohol in your bloodstream, and you might not even shut the fuck up! You can blabber enthusiastically and confidently about shit you don’t even know about. You will be so animated that people will be transfixed on you actions and words. Even if the party doesn’t serve booze, try to guzzle down some before you get to the party.

2. Lie incessantly.
Everybody tells some sort of lie once in a while. In a party, it’s best to bullshit your way through, taking no prisoners along the way. Unless the guy you’re talking to isn’t Dr Cal Lightman, you can get away with almost any lie. Talking about facts like how you paid your traffic summons after queuing up for 3 hours isn’t awesome. Instead, tell whomever that is willing to listen how you escaped the clutches of a kidnapper when you were 12 using a pigeon, a monkey wrench and a bag of chips. Now that’s quality storytelling.

3. Be defensive.
Of course, there will always be the nerd from this hotshot university in the country trying to prove your wrong with lots of facts. He’d be asking you to supply the details of your kidnapping endeavors and attacking you by saying some things are impossible and don’t add up. So, the natural thing to do is to be defensive and DO NOT allow the argument to continue further. Make HIM embarrassed. Try saying “Oh yeah! Hey look everyone! Einstein here is trying to prove a point. BORING!” Then look at him and say “So now you think everyone in this room is an idiot, huh?” I can guarantee that the whole crowd will laugh with you and that smart prick can go shove his face in the trash can.

Unless that nerd is looking like this. Then you can ditch the whole crowd in her favour

4. Let the music roll.
Liven up the party by playing some music. Never mind about the host. Fuck him. Or her. Play some samba songs and start a conga line. Grab the ass of the hottest chick/guy there and go around like a choo-choo. Maybe play some Timbaland and start frisking around. Make enough noise till the neighbours look around. If you’re in a bar/pub, start putting on your best moves. Dance like you’ve got epilepsy. No one gives a shit in a bar/pub because of the dim lights.

5. Start exchanging contact details.
If you find a person from the opposite sex who is attractive enough, try hitting on them Surely by now, you’re the party’s pulse. You will immediately get some nookie tonight. Hook up with some persons from the same sex maybe for some great business deals or even better, an invitation to MORE parties. Just make sure you don’t puke all over the host’s Persian rug.

This could be your reward for your awesome party skills

No related posts.

I’ve been having too much time on my hands. I just found this new application to have endless fun with, and I’ve been going at it for a while.

We use Facebook quite often these days that for most of us, it doesn’t matter if we’ve washed our faces or not, but if we’re not updating our Facebook statuses at least once a day, we’re probably feeling dead already. So much for privacy in today’s world. So I’ve been scanning through Facebook to find actual fun conversations, but all my friends ever do is talk about boring stuff like last week’s kidney surgery or hair transplant procedure. So I decided to make my own (fake) Facebook conversations. Enjoy.

You can find the application HERE

Related posts:

1. The Final Cut – Malaysian Facebook Conversations: Vol. III
2. Malaysian Facebook Conversations: Vol. II

Saying “sorry” all the time would only make you look like a sorry person. If you don’t say sorry at all, you would look like a high-nosed SOB. My advice is, just say sorry when the situation calls for it. No one told you to really mean it, right?

Just like Captain Vijayakanth mentioned in one of the most outrageously stupid Tamil movie in history: “Mannippu. Tamil-le enakku pudikkaathe varthe” (translation: “‘Sorry’. The word that i despise the most in Tamil”)

Capt. Vijayakanth. You can see how much he hates the word “Sorry”

Well, i think he had his own justifications in uttering those ever famous words which is forever etched into out minds (sadly). The word “sorry” has been used almost as often as toilet paper. Its usage has multiplied faster than field mice.

You wanna say “sorry”, you better keep the following situations in mind:

• You accidentally brushed against some woman’s boobs in a crowded mall
  If  you’re a male, just walk away. Even if you stop to say “sorry”, she’d think you’re a pervert. A pepper spray might follow. Temporary blindness may occur. “Sorry” is bad in this case.

 

• You’re walking in a corridor, and notice your sworn enemy is heading your way reading a leaflet. You “accidentally” bump his shoulder.
  Turn around, say “sorry” with a devilish smirk. Raise one eyebrow. “Sorry” is good, if you wanna intimidate him. “Sorry” is bad if he busts a cap in your ass the next day.

 

• You forgot to hand in your assignment which was due yesterday. You hand it in today.
  “Sorry” ain’t gonna give u back the lost marks. Just leave it on the lecturer’s desk and vanish. Waiting till the lecturer arrives and saying “Sorry” will only provoke them to give a long lecture about discipline. Some might even act like your not there. “Sorry” is definitely not worth it here.

 

• You’ve knocked up your girlfriend. She’s standing in front of you with a pregnancy test-kit, showing “positive”
  Saying “Sorry” in this case would the the biggest mistake of your life. Maybe the last thing you’d ever say before she sticks a knife through your heart. The best reply would be “So….. baby… watchu gonna do?”, said in an innocent tone of a 5-year-old.

 

• Your girlfriend flew halfway around the world to give you a surprise visit on your birthday, and finds you shagging your neighbour.. On the couch she bought for you last year.
  GF: “Sorry…?? You’re sorry? You lying sniveling son of a bitch. Why, i oughtta stick a knife through your sick heart!!”
  You: “Urrmm… I was actually not apologizing to you. I said sorry to Stacy here, because I brought her here instead of going to her apartment”
  Gill Grissom (the next day): Hmmmm…. It seems we have a double homicide here.

 

Hope u’ve wasted enough precious time reading this. I’m SORRY.

No related posts.