A trouser snake. Very dangerous.

The Malaysian twitter community, mostly inhabited by people who waste company resources by spending too much time writing bollocks which YoRais loves to hate during office hours, are rallying behind the defendant, who they believe is being set up by bee-stung lipped politicians, although at times the defendant’s facial hair makes him look like a sexual predator.

Well known crime scene investigator, Horatio Caine, made the following statement, while putting on his sunglasses and then taking them off in a cool fashion repeatedly.

“It is a known fact that the crime scene here is the plaintiff’s anal cavity, which I might add by the way, is very, very beautiful and anatomically perfect. We’ve collected plenty of evidence from the crime scene, and I can safely say that we’ve got this guy nailed. Hehehe.. pun intended. Anyways, my esteemed colleague Lt Calleigh Duquesne did some ballistics tests using ten 61-year-old men, who were then made to ejaculate. We found that the ejaculation pattern to be consistent throughout the process, concluding that all 61-year old males leave the same seminal fluid patterns. This is science, folks.“

When asked about how the evidence was not compromised even if the it was lodged inside the plaintiff’s arsehole for two wholel days, Caine said “It is a well known fact that the plaintiff is a supple, nubile young man, albeit a bit of a pussy at times. His perfect human body managed to preserve the seminal fluid. We even found live sperm there forming out the words “REFORMASI“. The plaintiff endured stress and headaches due to not shitting for two days. We have to admire his committment to justice, knowing that the night before he had spicy sambal belacan with curry mee. He endured self-constipation to bring the defendant to justice.“

Reformasi Sperm. Artist’s rendition.

Caine then left the premises on his fucking expensive Hummer, while still toying with his shades.

The hearing also gave birth to a new revelation, stating that the defendant allegedly asked the plaintiff “Can I fuck you?“. The public seems to be confused at this statement (since Malaysian public are easily confused), because the plaintiff is a fucking college dropout and would have probably not understood what “fuck” meant. Another reason for confusion is that the defendant was previously thought to be a champion of the Malay language, thus prompting suspicions since the phrase was uttered in English. Perhaps the public wouldn’t have been easily confused if he had been alleged to have uttered “Nak main tak?” or “Jom kongkek bontot“.

Stay tuned for further updates on this trial.

On other news, the government is offering scholarships for university or college dropouts in the newly launched program, Dongiveafuck Whatsitsname.

The public is advised not to believe a single thing here. Else people might say you’re retarded. And that’s probably an insult to all the mentally-challenged individuals out there. Seriously, don’t believe. The government is always right. Believe them instead.

Majulah buntut untuk negara.

No related posts.