So what exactly did our famous Malaysians say when asked to comment on the cow and condo issue?

Tun Madey – How do you expect Malays to hold on to power if every single person talks about cows?

Jibby – This is in line with the government’s effort to provide more freedom to the people and cows of Malaysia.

Tsu Koon - My thoughts are the same with the PM, as always. But more importantly, I’m pulling out of the next election. It’s a big sacrifice on my part.

Mooyiddin – Why are you asking me? You should be asking the cowherd.

Rid T – As Malays, we eat lots of beef. Thus it is simple logic that the cows be allowed to do what they want.

Ibbit Ali – This… thisss… this is not a cow nor a condo issue! You Indians don’t eat beef so you are trying to play this up! And it is all because of that Ambiga woman!  Don’t think we can’t see through your lies. We will defend this country before we lose all political power!

CSL – Yes, it was me in that condo. That cow was a very dear personal friend of mine. No more questions.

Saifool – The condo was at a secret location. I went there, and the cow put its penis inside my anus.

Nazri – There is no evidence linking the cows and Saifool.

yoRais - This is the best cow business I have ever chanced upon, since I became a minister. The best ever.

Pak Lah – The minister and her husband are more than capable of handl…… ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Anwar – This is a deliberate attempt made in bad faith, to swindle the monies of the Malaysian people.

Kinabatangan Bigfoot – The minister should resign. And handover the condo as dowry for my wedding.

Khairy – Well, it’s like this. It’s made to look like an escrow account but it’s not. It belongs to the class of “principle-accounts” held under the cow farm bearing interests to the board but not the shareholder, who actually gain an empirical profit from the investment in real-estate based on the mutually exclusive dividends paid out by the buyers of the meat in return for a high quality product. Any schoolkid can understand this simple explanation.

Ali Ketam – We’re drawing up laws against homosexual cows. Just in case.

MACC – The cows will be called up for questioning at the 15th floor of the condominium complex tomorrow. No further comments.

JAKIM – There’s pig DNA in the cows.

Ambiga – Cows can have condos but  regular Malaysians are suffering in the street. If cows can have civil liberties, why can’t we Malaysian citizens have them?!

Guan Eng – Penang has already achieved the national target of producing premium beef at half the cost and manpower. And we have free WiFi at our abattoirs.

Bik Mama – The feedlot didn’t achieve it’s target because it didn’t use green technology. But we have been able to make quality handbags from cow foreskins.

Keng Liang – I thank the PM for his hard work in ensuring that the 1Malaysia citizens are provided with high quality 1Malaysia beef from the 1Malaysia cows. Truly a PM for everyone. 1Malaysia.

Namewee – Cheebai lanjiao cows! Lu ingat senang ah mau bikin feedlot lepas itu kasi buang duit dalam longkang? Pukimak lu lah!

How about those people who are a bit more… well… closer to the ground?

@syahredzan – Lembu? Siapa? Siapa? Siapa kau panggil lembu?

@myy085 – Hatta apa sekalipun yang diperkatakan, daging lembu di Miri yang paling best sekali.

@superredpatek – I promise to give you premium cuts of beef if you vote for me to be the TJ Youth Chief.

@youtiup – Cina mau makan lembu harini.

@aidasue – Hi uols! Jangan lupa, #twtupLembu Ahad ini!

@kennleandre – Stupid cows. #Ha.

@shakirameer – We mamaks make a lot of money with selling nasi kandar, man. I’m don’t give a fuck about where does the beef come from.

@tashny – Fuck. Staying up late night to do this article on cows. Cibai la!

@spinzer – All right guys! Crowdsource RM3000 (using small donations of RM5 – RM10) to buy a cow for my 27th birthday!

@anthraxxxx – Fucking cows and condos! Whose fucking money these fuckers think they’re spending? Cibai lah. Just like the Melaka MRT.

@patrickteoh – Niamah. I also wanna farm cows.

@limmengkeong – Gua hari ini tak nak cakap pasal lembu pasal sudah lama isu ini didebatkan. Hari ini, gua nak cakap pasal laksa Penang.

@pualdidan – Melayu International tak makan daging lembu Malaysia.

@obefiend – Meleis complainng aboit peoplw complaining abput feedlot. Bangang kau pun bayar tax jugak kan? Fucjing ignorant asshols.

@bongkersz – HUUUUAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! What fucking cows? pffffft!

@kavilan – Bored. MIC cows quiet on timeline.

This post was written in collaboration with @bongkersz. Inspiration was from his article titled Malaysian politicians & famous people on #themissingrmafengine

If you have any suggestions for future topics, please put them in the comments section below.

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Moving on to current times, and with the Interlok/pariah issue. You get every Tom, Dick and Harry opening their piehole with their own comment. So here I am, jumping on the bandwagon (which actually doesn’t seem to move at all).

Let’s put it on the table here. You have this demigod Indian party and a whole bunch of Indian NGOs (which I’ve never heard of before until this issue arose) calling for the removal of the book from the syllabus. All crying out one common reason – **pause for dramatic effect** – Indians are sensitive to the word ‘pariah’. – **longer pause** – It is not in line with the 1Malaysia slogan.

My sensitivity to this matter is THIS big

Yes folks, the word sensitivity gets thrown around more times than Ibrahim Ali stuttered in Al Jazeera. And 1Malaysia pops up more times than STDs in a brothel.

The end does not justify the means. I agree to rescinding the book from the syllabus. But the question of WHY is important as well. You will surely not hear me saying that it’s not in line with 1Malaysia and that Indians are sensitive to the word ‘pariah’. The Indians who are actually sensitive to the word ‘pariah’ are probably very deeply rooted in the caste system themselves. The fact is and will always remain that the caste system was alive and well in the days prescribed within the context of the novel, and the immigrants felt free of them once they set foot in this land.

Now, why do I say that the rescinding is necessary, but not for the reasons stated? Simple. Our teachers are ill-equipped.

Not THAT kind of equipped

Pariah is a word that is much maligned like the word ‘keling’. If you wanna read more about ‘keling’, please do so here. Anyways, those words have their real meanings, but they’ve been used mainly for insults. The words themselves do not contain any malice, but the intent of the person who utters them usually does. These words hold a descriptive meaning to particular sections of ethnic groups, as proven by their etymology, and are not intended for causing harm.

Schoolchildren though, cannot see the difference there, and they will automatically look at ‘pariah’ in a negative light, as the majority of utterances are indeed intended for insults and causing hurt.

In Malaysia, with even school principals uttering racist remarks, can we say that our teachers are fully prepared 2 guide the children as necessary? The government clearly has no spine to enforce strict disciplinary codes in fear of losing support (or out of mere ignorance). Who’s to say that the teachers themselves fully understand the usage of the word ‘pariah’ in context?

Teachers must b able to explain to children on why the word has been used. They should be well versed with literary concepts and have a strong grasp of Malaysian history before even attempting to educate the children. But with even our history syllabus distorted for political means, will this materialise? I am not saying that all teachers are such, but it doesn’t matter if only a small percentage of teachers are ill-equipped. Planting wrong and inaccurate information into young minds, whether with or without intent, IS WRONG. Can the Education Ministry give a guarantee that all KOMSAS teachers are fully aware of all these issues and give a neutral perspective on ‘pariah’?

When so many things regarding Malaysian races and religions being perverted by the system, the minds of children don’t stand a chance here. Just like how Peanut Butter & Jelly Man does not stand a chance against Superman in an arm-wrestling contest.

No chance at all.

It is for that reason that I want the book rescinded. Not because of me being sensitive to the word ‘pariah’. The only thing I’m sensitive to are tickles. And my girth.

We’ve been assimilated as Malaysians for the past 50 odd years. Desensitization should have occurred naturally long time ago. Sensitivity is bullshit. As a progressive society we shud be able to voice our views independently, without fear.

Early reactions to Interlok suggested burning the book or putting up a straight ban on it. Sheesh. What do these guys have for breakfast every day? A pile of steaming horse crap? Burning the book makes us like Hitler. Banning it likens us to Stalin. We’re neither.

Possible book that was burnt - How To Win A War

Streamline our education system, train teachers to their fullest capabilities, ensure proper guidelines are followed, remove politics from the education system. When that happens, trust me, we could even study the Quran, Bible, BhagavadGita or any other scriptures together and have a rational discussion and dialogues about it without over-zealous assholes demonstrating and giving speeches with terrible grammar.

I stress again, removing Interlok coz it’s not in line with 1Malaysia is about the lamest excuse I can think of. Seriously, I think it’s more lame than a superhero character called Squirrel Girl. Protesting Interlok using that reason means that you are sending the message that taboo will always be an issue in Msia, and we can never discuss any issues openly for fear of rattling sensitivities. You are telling the children to not to learn and understand and accept history, but to avoid it and lock skeletons in the closet. One day those skeleton WILL come out, and it is gonna scare the bejeezus outta you and make you piss all over your pants and your expensive Persian rug.

It's either this, or your Persian rug. Your choice.

Let’s call a spade, a spade. The 1Malaysia reason is ass-kissing in a glaringly obvious fashion. Have the fucking guts to stand up and speak. And maybe, just maybe, people will start respecting your views and won’t look at you like you’re the incompetent nincompoop you are.

I dare say that these parties aren’t campaigning to remove Interlok from syllabus for the reasons I’VE mentioned, because it will only EXPOSE the weakness of our public education system. And to publicly declare that the education system is very much flawed is clearly not in line with 1AssKissing.

So instead of addressing THAT issue, we have quarters claiming ‘pariah’ is sensitive. Not in line with 1Malaysia. Easy peasy, case closed.

PS: Also, editing books is a big no-no. If you change the original content, what use is there for it in schools? Since the book was already edited before dropping into the syllabus, I’d say it shouldn’t have been put into the syllabus in the 1st place.

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Maybe it’s time to weed out certain men (and women) at office who are clearly sitting in a nation’s parliament as big, stinking turds. A big fiasco is born whenever an election nears, where every single issue at hand is whined upon and lamented with such drama that the cast of The Bold and The Beautiful would simply cry while watching. So, doesn’t it seem fitting that when we can compare these scenarios to day-time soap operas, we can also try to implement some movie-styled justice?

The BadAss Policeman
A big top cop might be able to do the trick. Picture this: an honest cop, not wanting to stay in the bottom ranks, bribes and cheats his way to the top. When he’s up there, he sets out to do what he dreamed of doing his whole life. To bring the corrupt and evil to justice. Punish the wrongdoers up there in the high echelons of power. Martial law. No talks. Just guns, bullets, and handcuffs. His enemies would surely bring out the story that he has his share of bribes and scandals. He bribes the investigators in the name of the Utilitarian Concept. Since he has the top job, his job of cleaning the country would be much easier. When the smoke clears, he resigns and turns surrenders to the police for his own past crimes, albeit being sincerely loved by the public for being their dark knight. This is surely much better than a whiny top cop who doesn’t know that crossing roads when the light is red is wrong.

Imagine THIS GUY as your next IGP. Now tremble in fear.

The Vigilante
Get someone with the flair and style of The Punisher. Yes. The Marvel comic character. The vigilante can go around with all guns blazing (literally and figuratively). Judge, jury and “punisher”. Albeit with a good understanding of the law and binding loyalty to upholding the law and the truth, just like The Daredevil. Not some trigger happy punk. Bullets lay waste to gang leaders and rapists and sadists and traitors. Instigators of disharmony wounded or crippled to teach a lesson to others. Or perhaps some insanely rich guy dressed as a bat walking around at night beating criminals to a bloody pulp. You know he ain’t gonna kill anyone. The worst thing he could do is drop you off the roof of a one-story building and watch you writhe in pain due to your shattered leg bones.

Now serving JUSTICE, with a side order of PAIN

A Mole
What about a mole from the inside? A member of the current power, collecting and compiling mismanagement issues with proof. Feeding loyal and true policemen with valuable information for criminal trial. Wouldn’t that be great? Criminals cussing and killing among themselves, looking for the traitor amongst them. Ala Reservoir Dogs. Ouch. They can kill each other at the end. Malaysia runs out of popcorn by the end of the saga. We all get our country back.

Just don't tell the mole that his ending involves bucketloads of his own blood.

But doesn’t all of this instigate instability? Won’t all of this ruin a country? No. It wouldn’t. It closes the way for more problems in the socio-economics of a country. Sacrifice. Unwavering faith and loyalty towards one’s country. A duty of every citizen to make sure that idiots don’t end up corrupting the sacred ideology of independence. To make an example of one guilty man so that none may repeat the others’ acts. So that the act discrimination will itself be discriminated. So that life may continue with hopes of survival and advancement in matters of the mind.

Screw all this. You don’t need to don a cape nor carry a gun. All you need to do, is exercise your right to vote. Vote out the pests that are tainting our country.

Independence from foreign rulers is an accomplishment. A birthright of every citizen to live in his own land without being suppressed in any manner. Independence from internal corruption is a privilege for only those who are willing to think of his fellow brethren rather than for his own gain. Honour is still bestowed upon you when you break free from the clutches of outside parties by forming your own ideologies. But greater honour is bestowed when you dare to take a stand against all those who dare to corrupt the ideologies that everyone fought for against the outside parties.

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So, it got me thinking, with the help of fellow satirists from Twitter (Bongkersz and Anthraxxxx), that there are many things that have arose from the campaigning in Hulu Selangor. Malaysians would do well to learn from it and at the same time give me increased site hits so that I can supplement my income.

Lesson 1: Don’t embarrass yourself (and others) with bad English

Sourced from Balajoe27

Why P Kamalanathan is the correct candidate for Hulu Selangor?

Chief Kamalanthan has been active in politics since age of 18 year’s old where grownup from grassroots to a position where he is now. Kamalanathan’s Chief of Putera MIC is equal to a battalion’s of army, he has assist many youth’s to a correct path, helping poor students to achieve their ambition. He is a man who really cares for the people. Being like a big brothers to friends & family s this man has made few program which made most of our indian festival in limelight.He has organized National ponggal celebration, Muruku for charity , Forum’s for IPTA and IPTS students , the most record attempt program was doing kolam at up of the KL tower. Such a program’s made MIC and putera MIC top in flash news. We dont just talk, please see this images and link that we have provided.

I think the writer wanted to say “equal to an army batallion”. I don’t think that’s a valid argument here. If we remember correctly, the army lost two fucking jet engines and momentarily had an unsinkable submarine. By the way, airforce/navy/army is like to-may-to/to-mah-to.

Lesson 2: Murukku will save the day

We do not need a man who stands up for the principle he holds true. So what if Zaid resigned because he protested the use of ISA on those 3 people? Apparently, 1Malaysia man Kamal Alan Nathan has done Murukku for charity. I didn’t say it. It was from the Putera MIC website itself (quoted above).

It takes 20 men to make 1 murukku

Lemme tell you about murukkus. Why are they the benchmark of a perfect candidate? They are crunchy. They are yummy. Try eating them dipped in teh tarik. I assure you that it is awesome. Be a man. Try it. I’m talking nonsense. The end.

Pisang goreng has got nothing on murukku.

Lesson 3: Use common sense when doctoring images online

Every political lapdog should know how to superimpose an image properly. It is utterly embarrassing to, you know, get caught doctoring images to spread lies then trying to justify yourself. Next time you wanna do this, make sure you get an image from an independent source, not a very famous online newspaper, you twits.

As you can see, Zaid has magical powers to drink from an unopened bottle.

At least try to employ professional graphic artists. Not some cheap-ass university dropout with MS Paint mentioned in his resume. That twit didn’t even produce the image in higher quality. Real smart. Guess that cybertrooping class didn’t pan out very well, eh?

Photographic evidence that Zaid and Anwar are aliens. You can see their UFO there.

Lesson 4: Make PR stunts convincing.

Kissing hands isn’t a very uncommon thing here in Malaysia. The only catch is, you gotta learn how to fucking do it correctly. If your target person has a squeamish face when you’re about to perform the act, then it’s all downhill from there. Seriously, it looks like he’s afraid of contracting leprosy.

Ewwww!!! Geddit off me! Geddit off me! Geddit off meeee!!!!!

Lesson 5: Stay away from whatever it is that you are smoking.

Watch the video below.

Lesson learned. Don’t smoke crack, kids.

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Playing with memes is a fun thing to do. What more can I do when a by-election is looming, and political parties are full of drama? I’ve always loved to poke fun on Malaysian politics. I wonder whether will foreigners actually be laughing at us for all the shenanigans that we conjure.

There are many famous memes here, like Courage Wolf, High-Expectations Asian Dad,  Chris Crocker, Kanye West, King Leonidas and finally, my absolute favourite person to make fun of in the whole planet: Adolf Hitler.

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3. The Cows and The Condo

Johnny Inggebish had gone through a lot in his life. He had been a great champion of rights for his people. They adored him, or at least provided him the illusion that they adored him. Not that it matters to him. It had taken a lot outta him to be here, at this place. A few more years, a decade at most, and he’ll be the one looking down at all the others. All those years of hard work; all those years of snaking his way in and out, is now under threat of going to waste. All because of a set of documents presented to him in a language he is unable to read in. And the people were demanding for an immediate answer. By not being able to comprehend the report, he’d look like a total idiot.

Being an idiot isn’t cool.

Beads of sweat formed on Johnny Inggebish’s forehead. How is he going to get out of this pickle? This isn’t some issue that he could throw a smokescreen and make a dash for it. His name is stapled to the issue now since he’s the man-in-charge for this whole agenda. There’s only one thing for him to do now. The report’s findings shall not come out, whichever side it favours. The plan began to form slowly.

Johnny Inggebish buzzed his secretary and told her to put forward a request to his boss. He needed all the warlords to agree to this. There’s no other way. He then waited. He knew the big kahuna wouldn’t dare waste time on this matter. Something important for the whole team was coming up, and they need a good leverage. This would be it.

The call came soon enough. The meeting was scheduled tomorrow. Johnny Inggebish sneered. Enough time to prepare his whopper. He slept soundly that night, even managing to enjoy some Dom Perignon before victory was even proclaimed. The man had enough cheek to act so confidently.

The next day

Johnny Inggebish looked at the assembly around him. Time to start the propaganda, he thought to himself. He lifted the documents that were given to him yesterday. He cursed the foreign language. He told his comrades about how foreigners are still burrowing into the country’s young minds and trying to colonize them with television and T-shirts and cars and most importantly, their language. This foreign language must be killed off instantly. He drilled into their heads regarding scientific terms and mathematical equations being the mind-control mechanism of the foreign invaders.

Foreign languages sound funny. They also turn you into sexy blue cat-like people

Johnny Inggebish smiled to himself. He thought to himself about how stupid his “comrades” are. They didn’t know that he doesn’t know how to read the foreign language. That was his plan. He needed to demonize all foreign languages so that his shortcomings would be excused. They failed to see that it wasn’t about national integrity or unity or any of those off-key issues. It was about him. Him alone. Johnny Inggebish’s plan was, if he couldn’t understand the language, then no one else would. And since his plan to get to the top would only come into fruition ina decade or so, he needed the younger generation to be as oblivious as he is now. It is much easier to rule ignoramuses, he thought. Nowadays, EVERYTHING is political.

Johnny Inggebish looked up. He then spoke in his native language.

“Saya menyarankan agar PPSMI dimansuhkan dan kita kembali kepada pembelajaran dalam Bahasa Melayu. Anda setuju atau tidak, sidang kabinet?“

“SETUJUUUUU!!!!!“, came the deafening approval.

This post was taken from my older blog. I felt it was relevant because there a lot of nuts on Twitter speaking terrible Inggebish. What’s worse is that they almost always misunderstand tweets from other people due to their inability to comprehend a simple sentence structured in 140 characters. How dumb can you get?

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