I tell you, when I’m bored outta my mind, the devil in me goes to work. I’m having writer’s block. It’s a serious condition. I can’t write. I can’t imagine and cook up weird scenarios. Or maybe the Malaysian scene has just been too quiet lately with nothing to poke fun at. Then again, I still have something for you guys.

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Kuala Gempur, God-Knows-When — The nation of Bolehland has been shocked at finding that most of its citizens are now considered to be dimwits. Unable to comprehend the most basic of satires and parody, these new breed of stupid men and women all over the country are taking things too seriously.

The art of laughing, first discovered by man when possibly after discovering fire, when a caveman sat too close to it and burned off his pubic hair resulting in mass hysterical laughter by his fellow cave dwellers, is fast becoming a lost art. Bolehland netizens, who mostly use the internet to download porn and watch Youtube clips, are becoming increasingly anal and to a certain level, certified fuckheads when they cannot even comprehend disclaimers put on satire/parody sites.

After failing this with flying colours, proceed to make a police report.

The rule of idiocy looks to be the order of the day. Two biggest communities in Bolehland — Fesbuk and Twitterjaya — are quite influential in spreading links of funny articles and scantily-clad women to their peers. The issue here is, many fuckheads tend to overlook the obvious notices of satire/parody — for example, when a blog clearly mentions “True lies. Total horsecrap. Absolute fiction.” on its main banner for all to see. They then post links in the said communities with emotionally charged comments like “Don’t tok sheeeet!” or “Tiu Nia Bu!!!“. Of course their fellow commenters, who miraculously also lose all ability to perceive logic at the drop of a hat, spread the message with even more venom instead of toilet humour, make the whole debacle more serious that it should have been.

The total arse-ness of Bolehland citizens in reference to satire/parody can be actually blamed on the failed education system. Bolehland practices a very special type of teaching method called “spoonfeed-your-pupils-till-their-brains-stop-functioning-and-they-develop-learning-impediments“. The pupils in school have everything stuffed down their throat by when after the initial 11-year period, they lose all ability to think critically, thus humour is lost. As they say, comedy is serious business.

Authorities in Bolehland were never known to be receptive to satire/parody. With leaders being accused of sodomy and other out-of-this-world sexacapades (honestly, they’re not out of this world. They take place in shady hotels with hidden cameras or condominiums which need passwords to enter), it is no surprise that most men of power in Bolehland walk around with a retractable baton wedged inside their lazy arses.

Retractable batons – Guaranteed to remove humour

Is there hope for satire and parody in Bolehland? Will laughter rule the nation again? I’m not too sure. Let’s just hope the electricity stays on long enough for you to finish reading this, lest you go around the city shouting “Tiu Nia Bu!“.

— Berita Tipu. Kalau hang nak caya, hang ni memang bodoh sial.

This blog sympathizes Hassan Skodeng for the unfair treatment he’s being subjected with, due to the epidemic of “stupidity” spreading far and wide in Bolehland. Keep on fighting.

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Tuesday, Kuala Lumpur – The nation’s premier game developer, Bola Kecut Games have announced that they are in the final stages of developing an action-packed, gritty, off-the-wall and humorous video game called Snatch Theft Auto, modeled after the highly successful Grand Theft Auto series.

Chief media spokesperson for Bola Kecut Games, Tan Sri Mangkok bin Kecundang proudly explained that this game is much aligned to the spirit of 1Malaysia to the uninterested media members who were more focused on getting the free ice Milo being offered at the press conference next door felicitating the achievements of a 89 year old man fathering quintuplets with his 23 year old 3rd wife. “The government has spent about 10 billion ringgit to develop this game with national unity in mind. The public should be elated to find out that their tax monies are being spend wisely“, said Tan Sri Mangkok.

Senior developer for Snatch Theft Auto, Peanut Lim Kok Shot, was ecstatic. “This game revolves around the the rise to power of a simple snatch theft motorcyclist named Mat Rempit in the game. Mat Rempit starts out with a mere bicycle at the age of 10, where he progresses from snatching karipaps from tudung-clad aunties to riding 500cc bikes to snatch golden briefcases from Saudi Arabian expats along Jalan Bukit Bintang. Then our hero makes a move into politics where snatching the rakyat’s money becomes more complicated and challenging. It is a game which fully envisions our spirit of nationalism.“, said the graphics whiz with green, parrot-like hairstyle and multiple piercing on his ears, lips and eyebrows.

GTA is for pussies. Real Malaysians play Snatch Theft Auto

Bola Kecut Games ran vigorous testing to ensure the mood of the game fills your mind with vivid recollections of the Malaysian world. Head of the game-testing team, Ramasamy Karuppukotte had this to say: “I spent more hours testing this game than I did having this awesome tattoo on my back that stretches to my butt-crack. Each time I play it, I go woaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! You know, like Keanu Reeves. One moment I’m whacking the shit out of an old lady after I snatch her mini-purse from her bra at Kelantan, the next moment I’m holding up a curry house in Brickfields demanding them to load all the mutton curry into my armored truck outside. Later I speed off to throw Molotovs on churches, and then it’s off to step on posters of other politicians. There’s even parts of the game where you gotta trick people into having anal sex with you. It’s AWESOME!“

The game poses tricky situations that the player has to figure out and overcome. There are many missions within the game that extend the playing hours well beyond 50 hours for the top-notch gamers. So all you other fucks will be having loads more time trying to complete the game and achieve bragging rights within your DoTA circle.

The missions in the game reflect our Malaysian culture. Test gamers were found to be very much engaged in the game during missions such as skodeng operations, buying Datukships, raiding internet service providers’ offices, looking for prostitutes in Brickfields and Bukit Bintang, and blowing up foreign models.

Catch them. But only after u enjoy the show.

All these hype made us reporters from Berita Tipu only too eager to play the game for a while, and we rejoiced when we were given the chance to do so. Collectively, our opinion pointed to only one thing: that this is the game of the decade for all Malaysians to play. However, our colleague James Jambubasi from East Malaysia had a differing opinion. “This game does not reflect the spirit of 1Malaysia. I failed to see representations of East Malaysia in the game. All I saw was one fucking hornbill. Even that was during an assignment in the game to shoot down that fucking bird. It’s a fucking shame.“

Only important during elections.

As James Jambubasi’s opinion doesn’t count for shit unless it’s election time, we at Berita Tipu would like to advice you to conviniently nod and ignore it. Snatch Theft Auto will be out on Malaysia Day on PC, PS3 and XBox.

Berita Tipu.

- inspired by @anthraxxxx

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