Widely circulated in Facebook before the official announcement, the new scheme mainly took brickbats from the general online masses who were opposed to being sucked dry by the government every month. Powerpoint slides obtained from certain government hospitals detailing the scheme were met with insulting remarks, especially towards the elementary level of skills used to create said slides.

Haha, You Lose

Some comments were constructive though, especially those from leading ethnic-based political parties such as the Machais and also the Monkeys In Confusion. These supporters claimed that the scheme will be very beneficial while quoting irrelevant ponzi scheme examples as yardsticks. The support exists despite them not knowing a single thing about public healthcare other than the fact that hospital food tastes very bad.

Government spokesman, Datuk Dewata Raya Maha Kismis Pejuang Viagra Seri Chan Mali Chan said that this scheme is good and beneficial to the people of Bolehland. He then stared at the mic thrust to his face for a good 50 seconds before continuing “Yes. It’s very beneficial. Thank you.” We at Seed Stories still do not have the slightest fucking idea what the hell will the scheme do.

Early conspiracy theories suggest that the Bolehland government will implement the scheme hurriedly to milk more money from the masses to fund the coming elections and karaoke parties. Rumours suggest that after possibly winning the government back, the PM will make a U-turn and abolish the scheme “after giving it some thought about the welfare of the people” [sic]. The grapevine also suggests that Hollywood screenwriters are preparing a passable script to be fed to the hordes of mindless Bolehlanders, notwithstanding the PM affliction with Idiocitis reported earlier.

Fliers and leaflets were distributed to inform the public on the benefits of Haha, You Lose. The biggest plus point of this new scheme is that you cannot choose your attending health practitioner. This bodes well to fans of Russian Roulette as you may never know whether are you assigned a quality doctor or someone who is just there because his uncle knows somebody who knows somebody’s barber. Another widely touted benefit is that you will part with 10% of your basic salary for the funding of the scheme and automatically have your name inserted into the annual lucky draw pool. Prizes include a free appendectomy, hip replacement surgeries and one year’s supply of MC’s for you to skip work.

No. Not this doctor.

Stay tuned for more pieces of shit news from the government soon.

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So what exactly did our famous Malaysians say when asked to comment on the cow and condo issue?

Tun Madey – How do you expect Malays to hold on to power if every single person talks about cows?

Jibby – This is in line with the government’s effort to provide more freedom to the people and cows of Malaysia.

Tsu Koon - My thoughts are the same with the PM, as always. But more importantly, I’m pulling out of the next election. It’s a big sacrifice on my part.

Mooyiddin – Why are you asking me? You should be asking the cowherd.

Rid T – As Malays, we eat lots of beef. Thus it is simple logic that the cows be allowed to do what they want.

Ibbit Ali – This… thisss… this is not a cow nor a condo issue! You Indians don’t eat beef so you are trying to play this up! And it is all because of that Ambiga woman!  Don’t think we can’t see through your lies. We will defend this country before we lose all political power!

CSL – Yes, it was me in that condo. That cow was a very dear personal friend of mine. No more questions.

Saifool – The condo was at a secret location. I went there, and the cow put its penis inside my anus.

Nazri – There is no evidence linking the cows and Saifool.

yoRais - This is the best cow business I have ever chanced upon, since I became a minister. The best ever.

Pak Lah – The minister and her husband are more than capable of handl…… ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Anwar – This is a deliberate attempt made in bad faith, to swindle the monies of the Malaysian people.

Kinabatangan Bigfoot – The minister should resign. And handover the condo as dowry for my wedding.

Khairy – Well, it’s like this. It’s made to look like an escrow account but it’s not. It belongs to the class of “principle-accounts” held under the cow farm bearing interests to the board but not the shareholder, who actually gain an empirical profit from the investment in real-estate based on the mutually exclusive dividends paid out by the buyers of the meat in return for a high quality product. Any schoolkid can understand this simple explanation.

Ali Ketam – We’re drawing up laws against homosexual cows. Just in case.

MACC – The cows will be called up for questioning at the 15th floor of the condominium complex tomorrow. No further comments.

JAKIM – There’s pig DNA in the cows.

Ambiga – Cows can have condos but  regular Malaysians are suffering in the street. If cows can have civil liberties, why can’t we Malaysian citizens have them?!

Guan Eng – Penang has already achieved the national target of producing premium beef at half the cost and manpower. And we have free WiFi at our abattoirs.

Bik Mama – The feedlot didn’t achieve it’s target because it didn’t use green technology. But we have been able to make quality handbags from cow foreskins.

Keng Liang – I thank the PM for his hard work in ensuring that the 1Malaysia citizens are provided with high quality 1Malaysia beef from the 1Malaysia cows. Truly a PM for everyone. 1Malaysia.

Namewee – Cheebai lanjiao cows! Lu ingat senang ah mau bikin feedlot lepas itu kasi buang duit dalam longkang? Pukimak lu lah!

How about those people who are a bit more… well… closer to the ground?

@syahredzan – Lembu? Siapa? Siapa? Siapa kau panggil lembu?

@myy085 – Hatta apa sekalipun yang diperkatakan, daging lembu di Miri yang paling best sekali.

@superredpatek – I promise to give you premium cuts of beef if you vote for me to be the TJ Youth Chief.

@youtiup – Cina mau makan lembu harini.

@aidasue – Hi uols! Jangan lupa, #twtupLembu Ahad ini!

@kennleandre – Stupid cows. #Ha.

@shakirameer – We mamaks make a lot of money with selling nasi kandar, man. I’m don’t give a fuck about where does the beef come from.

@tashny – Fuck. Staying up late night to do this article on cows. Cibai la!

@spinzer – All right guys! Crowdsource RM3000 (using small donations of RM5 – RM10) to buy a cow for my 27th birthday!

@anthraxxxx – Fucking cows and condos! Whose fucking money these fuckers think they’re spending? Cibai lah. Just like the Melaka MRT.

@patrickteoh – Niamah. I also wanna farm cows.

@limmengkeong – Gua hari ini tak nak cakap pasal lembu pasal sudah lama isu ini didebatkan. Hari ini, gua nak cakap pasal laksa Penang.

@pualdidan – Melayu International tak makan daging lembu Malaysia.

@obefiend – Meleis complainng aboit peoplw complaining abput feedlot. Bangang kau pun bayar tax jugak kan? Fucjing ignorant asshols.

@bongkersz – HUUUUAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! What fucking cows? pffffft!

@kavilan – Bored. MIC cows quiet on timeline.

This post was written in collaboration with @bongkersz. Inspiration was from his article titled Malaysian politicians & famous people on #themissingrmafengine

If you have any suggestions for future topics, please put them in the comments section below.

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Playing with memes is a fun thing to do. What more can I do when a by-election is looming, and political parties are full of drama? I’ve always loved to poke fun on Malaysian politics. I wonder whether will foreigners actually be laughing at us for all the shenanigans that we conjure.

There are many famous memes here, like Courage Wolf, High-Expectations Asian Dad,  Chris Crocker, Kanye West, King Leonidas and finally, my absolute favourite person to make fun of in the whole planet: Adolf Hitler.

Related posts:

1. Malaysian Memes – Sepol & ‘Nuar
2. 5 Seedy Reasons You Should Vote In The Next Election
3. The Cows and The Condo

Make fun of them, of course.

I’m telling you again ah,  read the fucking DISCLAIMER. Some people can’t tolerate satire if it bites them in the arse. Seriously folks, lighten up. Else, I think you might be a politician. Enjoy.

PS: I think I’ve some spelling errors down there. Be a dear and turn a blind eye. Else go complain to the Ministry of Education for pissing on PPSMI.

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