I tell you, when I’m bored outta my mind, the devil in me goes to work. I’m having writer’s block. It’s a serious condition. I can’t write. I can’t imagine and cook up weird scenarios. Or maybe the Malaysian scene has just been too quiet lately with nothing to poke fun at. Then again, I still have something for you guys.

Related posts:

1. A Seedy Guide to Malaysian Indians – The Food
2. A Seedy Guide to Malaysian Indians – The Culture

Comedy is serious business, okay? It’s just too taxing to write satire every few days or so without any trace of alcohol in the blood. I wonder how these politicians can keep up the comedy show every single day without fail.

So, it got me thinking, with the help of fellow satirists from Twitter (Bongkersz and Anthraxxxx), that there are many things that have arose from the campaigning in Hulu Selangor. Malaysians would do well to learn from it and at the same time give me increased site hits so that I can supplement my income.

Lesson 1: Don’t embarrass yourself (and others) with bad English

Sourced from Balajoe27

Why P Kamalanathan is the correct candidate for Hulu Selangor?

Chief Kamalanthan has been active in politics since age of 18 year’s old where grownup from grassroots to a position where he is now. Kamalanathan’s Chief of Putera MIC is equal to a battalion’s of army, he has assist many youth’s to a correct path, helping poor students to achieve their ambition. He is a man who really cares for the people. Being like a big brothers to friends & family s this man has made few program which made most of our indian festival in limelight.He has organized National ponggal celebration, Muruku for charity , Forum’s for IPTA and IPTS students , the most record attempt program was doing kolam at up of the KL tower. Such a program’s made MIC and putera MIC top in flash news. We dont just talk, please see this images and link that we have provided.

I think the writer wanted to say “equal to an army batallion”. I don’t think that’s a valid argument here. If we remember correctly, the army lost two fucking jet engines and momentarily had an unsinkable submarine. By the way, airforce/navy/army is like to-may-to/to-mah-to.

Lesson 2: Murukku will save the day

We do not need a man who stands up for the principle he holds true. So what if Zaid resigned because he protested the use of ISA on those 3 people? Apparently, 1Malaysia man Kamal Alan Nathan has done Murukku for charity. I didn’t say it. It was from the Putera MIC website itself (quoted above).

It takes 20 men to make 1 murukku

Lemme tell you about murukkus. Why are they the benchmark of a perfect candidate? They are crunchy. They are yummy. Try eating them dipped in teh tarik. I assure you that it is awesome. Be a man. Try it. I’m talking nonsense. The end.

Pisang goreng has got nothing on murukku.

Lesson 3: Use common sense when doctoring images online

Every political lapdog should know how to superimpose an image properly. It is utterly embarrassing to, you know, get caught doctoring images to spread lies then trying to justify yourself. Next time you wanna do this, make sure you get an image from an independent source, not a very famous online newspaper, you twits.

As you can see, Zaid has magical powers to drink from an unopened bottle.

At least try to employ professional graphic artists. Not some cheap-ass university dropout with MS Paint mentioned in his resume. That twit didn’t even produce the image in higher quality. Real smart. Guess that cybertrooping class didn’t pan out very well, eh?

Photographic evidence that Zaid and Anwar are aliens. You can see their UFO there.

Lesson 4: Make PR stunts convincing.

Kissing hands isn’t a very uncommon thing here in Malaysia. The only catch is, you gotta learn how to fucking do it correctly. If your target person has a squeamish face when you’re about to perform the act, then it’s all downhill from there. Seriously, it looks like he’s afraid of contracting leprosy.

Ewwww!!! Geddit off me! Geddit off me! Geddit off meeee!!!!!

Lesson 5: Stay away from whatever it is that you are smoking.

Watch the video below.

Lesson learned. Don’t smoke crack, kids.

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Kuala Gempur, God-Knows-When — The nation of Bolehland has been shocked at finding that most of its citizens are now considered to be dimwits. Unable to comprehend the most basic of satires and parody, these new breed of stupid men and women all over the country are taking things too seriously.

The art of laughing, first discovered by man when possibly after discovering fire, when a caveman sat too close to it and burned off his pubic hair resulting in mass hysterical laughter by his fellow cave dwellers, is fast becoming a lost art. Bolehland netizens, who mostly use the internet to download porn and watch Youtube clips, are becoming increasingly anal and to a certain level, certified fuckheads when they cannot even comprehend disclaimers put on satire/parody sites.

After failing this with flying colours, proceed to make a police report.

The rule of idiocy looks to be the order of the day. Two biggest communities in Bolehland — Fesbuk and Twitterjaya — are quite influential in spreading links of funny articles and scantily-clad women to their peers. The issue here is, many fuckheads tend to overlook the obvious notices of satire/parody — for example, when a blog clearly mentions “True lies. Total horsecrap. Absolute fiction.” on its main banner for all to see. They then post links in the said communities with emotionally charged comments like “Don’t tok sheeeet!” or “Tiu Nia Bu!!!“. Of course their fellow commenters, who miraculously also lose all ability to perceive logic at the drop of a hat, spread the message with even more venom instead of toilet humour, make the whole debacle more serious that it should have been.

The total arse-ness of Bolehland citizens in reference to satire/parody can be actually blamed on the failed education system. Bolehland practices a very special type of teaching method called “spoonfeed-your-pupils-till-their-brains-stop-functioning-and-they-develop-learning-impediments“. The pupils in school have everything stuffed down their throat by when after the initial 11-year period, they lose all ability to think critically, thus humour is lost. As they say, comedy is serious business.

Authorities in Bolehland were never known to be receptive to satire/parody. With leaders being accused of sodomy and other out-of-this-world sexacapades (honestly, they’re not out of this world. They take place in shady hotels with hidden cameras or condominiums which need passwords to enter), it is no surprise that most men of power in Bolehland walk around with a retractable baton wedged inside their lazy arses.

Retractable batons – Guaranteed to remove humour

Is there hope for satire and parody in Bolehland? Will laughter rule the nation again? I’m not too sure. Let’s just hope the electricity stays on long enough for you to finish reading this, lest you go around the city shouting “Tiu Nia Bu!“.

— Berita Tipu. Kalau hang nak caya, hang ni memang bodoh sial.

This blog sympathizes Hassan Skodeng for the unfair treatment he’s being subjected with, due to the epidemic of “stupidity” spreading far and wide in Bolehland. Keep on fighting.

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Indian food is awesome. Well, it’s not that I’m discriminating Chinese and Malay food. I love my Bah Kut Teh and nasi kerabu wit sambal belacan, but I’m quite partial towards Indian food. All those curry and spices. I tell you, i can’t live without something spicy at least once a day.

Whenever someone mentions Indian food, the mind points towards a banana leaf meal. Yes, the meal designed by the folks from the Indian subcontinent to make you a slave to your tongue at first, then regret the whole episode after being reminded of how much calories had been taken in.

Clog, you damn arteries. CLOG!!!!!

One way to enjoy banana leaf meals is the traditional way. These can usually be very common in rural areas and not so much in urban areas because urbanites like me and you are lazy fucks and prefer to get a crappy catering service to open up a buffet line in your flat in the middle of KL with elevators that smell like piss. Yes, banana leaf meals require a helluva lot of work to be done, no doubt, BUT, the togetherness that comes with it is simply non-substitutable with any buffet line. The leaf is laid out, with your guest grinning from ear to ear. You start shouting to your cousin at the other end of the tent, asking him to bring in the vegetables. You proceed to dish out rice, while your guest says “Enough, enough….”, but you just go on, telling him to eat more this one day, and stop after he says “Enough” for the 14th time.

Your cousin arrives with the vege, and you go hunting for the curry bucket. On the way, you see your dad’s close friend washing his hand after the dinner. You ask him whether did he enjoy the food, then ask about his family, and say thank you for his attendance, all in 7 seconds flat before rushing to rushing to the guest you left behind with the curry bucket. Relatives and friends walk up to you saying that they had a good time, not to mention the good food. You are happy that everyone has eaten to their heart’s content. Though you are dog tired, it was all worth it. As soon as you’re done, you catch glimpse of the girl you’ve been having an eye on during the whole function. She walks past you, head lowered in shyness. You smile at her. She smiles back. You smile to yourself. That’s how traditional banana leaf meals are.

NOT this kind of Indian girl

And then of course you can head out to the regular curry houses which are aplenty all over town to get your fix of banana leaf rice. Just a reminder: eat with your hands. Don’t use cutlery on a banana leaf. You risk tearing the leaf. And it’s just not right. Just dive in with your hands. Get into the culture, as they say.

So these days the curry houses have a section where they’ll fry some meat and fish for you to be served piping hot. When you order something from there, make sure you tell them to add more “masala”. Just do it, don’t ask why. It is customary to have at least two helpings of rice. Most Indians are bloody gluttons whenever they step into a curry house anyways. After you’re done eating, swipe the leaf with your fingers and give it a thorough lick. No one would comment negatively if you pour a bit of chicken curry on an empty leave and proceed to have a lick-off.

Now, for all you non-Indians out there who don’t actually know what to have on your leaf before you start digging in, here’s a free tutorial.

1. Order your fried item before calling for the rice. Don’t choose the biggest fish there. Medium-sized and small-sized ones are tastier. Ask for more “masala“. If you’re getting fried squid or chicken, ask more extra onions as well.
2. The customary rice + 3 or 4 vegetable dishes. Pretty simple. It is advisable to take half the amount of rice you’re planning to eat. Reason to follow. You may opt for the healthier Indian rice (pu-lung-ge a-re-si).
3. The curry. You’ll have the usual one: dhal (sambhar), chicken curry, fish curry. Some shops sometimes have special curries stored away and they will only bring them out if customers ask for them. You may ask if they have crab curry (nan-du ka-ri), onion curry (ven-the-ya ko-lam-bu), or salted-fish curry (ka-ru-vaa-du ka-ri).
4. Divide your rice into 2 portions, and have different curries poured into each one to guarantee that you will taste everything. Once you’re done, ask for the second helping of rice, and proceed with different curries. Sloppiness is never an issue.
5. The condiments arrive. The regulars are papadam (ap-pa-lam in Tamil) and fried bitter gourd (paa-vak-kaa). You can also ask for the fried chili (mo-ru mo-le-ga). There’s also the option of asking for some “thovaiyal“, a spicy, minty, sour paste that you can eat with your rice.
6. Next on the list – yoghurt. Now, there’s two versions of it. One to drink, one to put on your rice. The drinking variety is called “moru” – yoghurt mixed with water, onions, coriander and some spices. A glass of iced moru on a hot day will do good for you.. The one that you put on your rice is called “tairu“. Tairu goes very well with any spicy curry, but fish curry leads the pack. A very common way of eating tairu is to mix it with plain rice, add a little salt, then having the “moru molaga” (fried chili) on the side.
7. You can also ask for some herbal soup – rasam. This will be served usually in a small tumbler and it’s quite spicy. Mix it up with your index finger and drink it, or pour it on your rice and eat with it.
8. Once you’re done wolfing down everything, fold the leave inwards to indicate the food was good (we still do that even if the food was bad coz we’re not a bunch of assholes).
9. Order a cup of BRU coffee. Not regular coffee. But BRU coffee. Every respectable Indian food establishment will have BRU coffee. If they don’t, you’ve obviously went to a bad place. Get your BRU coffee with cow’s milk if you fancy it.
10. Burp.

REMINDER: Woman does not come with the coffee.

Of course you can opt for other meals like the chapati or puri or naan. Then ask for some mutton varuval. Or mutton curry for that matter. Briyani rice is also an option for those who want to pig out on a completely different level. Don’t get your briyani at those nasi kandar shops where they only have the briyani rice laced with some herbs. A true briyani rice must be cooked with the meat in it, and should be served with the meat together.

Oh, there’s also this crazy thing among Malaysian Indians (or for any Indians for that matter) when it comes to eating mutton. We love to eat bone marrow. If your curry house offers mutton curry, ask them for a bone that you can suck the marrow out along with the meat chunks. Mutton curry is best eaten wit long beans or pineapple-cucumber salad. Don’t use a fucking straw to suck out the bone marrow lest you wanna be known as a pussy. You may bang the bone on your leaf (which of course is laid out on your table). People won’t mind. Really.

Bone. Delicious bone.

Indian food also has a wide array of sweets for those who aspire to be diabetic one day. Choices range from the halwa, gulab jamun, mysoorpak, jilebi, laddu, paalkova and athirasam (also known as ‘kuih peniram’ in Malay). You can almost always find these in established curry houses, but for better tasting ones, you can head to a shop that specializes in selling indian sweets.

“Laddu” inside your arteries. Awesome.

So that’s pretty much it about Malaysian Indian food. I’m just writing this because I’ve nothing else better to do at this point. I need a BRU coffee now.

PS: This post might seem to be biased towards South Indian food. That’s because I don’t fancy going to pimped out North Indian restaurants that charge RM 30 for a fucking small pot of mutton curry.

Related posts:

1. A Seedy Guide to Malaysian Indians – The Culture
2. A Seedy Word Known as “Keling”
3. More Malaysian Graph-ical Madness

Related posts:

1. A Seedy Guide to Malaysian Indians – The Food
2. A Seedy Word Known as “Keling”
3. More Malaysian Graph-ical Madness

Tuesday, Kuala Lumpur – The nation’s premier game developer, Bola Kecut Games have announced that they are in the final stages of developing an action-packed, gritty, off-the-wall and humorous video game called Snatch Theft Auto, modeled after the highly successful Grand Theft Auto series.

Chief media spokesperson for Bola Kecut Games, Tan Sri Mangkok bin Kecundang proudly explained that this game is much aligned to the spirit of 1Malaysia to the uninterested media members who were more focused on getting the free ice Milo being offered at the press conference next door felicitating the achievements of a 89 year old man fathering quintuplets with his 23 year old 3rd wife. “The government has spent about 10 billion ringgit to develop this game with national unity in mind. The public should be elated to find out that their tax monies are being spend wisely“, said Tan Sri Mangkok.

Senior developer for Snatch Theft Auto, Peanut Lim Kok Shot, was ecstatic. “This game revolves around the the rise to power of a simple snatch theft motorcyclist named Mat Rempit in the game. Mat Rempit starts out with a mere bicycle at the age of 10, where he progresses from snatching karipaps from tudung-clad aunties to riding 500cc bikes to snatch golden briefcases from Saudi Arabian expats along Jalan Bukit Bintang. Then our hero makes a move into politics where snatching the rakyat’s money becomes more complicated and challenging. It is a game which fully envisions our spirit of nationalism.“, said the graphics whiz with green, parrot-like hairstyle and multiple piercing on his ears, lips and eyebrows.

GTA is for pussies. Real Malaysians play Snatch Theft Auto

Bola Kecut Games ran vigorous testing to ensure the mood of the game fills your mind with vivid recollections of the Malaysian world. Head of the game-testing team, Ramasamy Karuppukotte had this to say: “I spent more hours testing this game than I did having this awesome tattoo on my back that stretches to my butt-crack. Each time I play it, I go woaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! You know, like Keanu Reeves. One moment I’m whacking the shit out of an old lady after I snatch her mini-purse from her bra at Kelantan, the next moment I’m holding up a curry house in Brickfields demanding them to load all the mutton curry into my armored truck outside. Later I speed off to throw Molotovs on churches, and then it’s off to step on posters of other politicians. There’s even parts of the game where you gotta trick people into having anal sex with you. It’s AWESOME!“

The game poses tricky situations that the player has to figure out and overcome. There are many missions within the game that extend the playing hours well beyond 50 hours for the top-notch gamers. So all you other fucks will be having loads more time trying to complete the game and achieve bragging rights within your DoTA circle.

The missions in the game reflect our Malaysian culture. Test gamers were found to be very much engaged in the game during missions such as skodeng operations, buying Datukships, raiding internet service providers’ offices, looking for prostitutes in Brickfields and Bukit Bintang, and blowing up foreign models.

Catch them. But only after u enjoy the show.

All these hype made us reporters from Berita Tipu only too eager to play the game for a while, and we rejoiced when we were given the chance to do so. Collectively, our opinion pointed to only one thing: that this is the game of the decade for all Malaysians to play. However, our colleague James Jambubasi from East Malaysia had a differing opinion. “This game does not reflect the spirit of 1Malaysia. I failed to see representations of East Malaysia in the game. All I saw was one fucking hornbill. Even that was during an assignment in the game to shoot down that fucking bird. It’s a fucking shame.“

Only important during elections.

As James Jambubasi’s opinion doesn’t count for shit unless it’s election time, we at Berita Tipu would like to advice you to conviniently nod and ignore it. Snatch Theft Auto will be out on Malaysia Day on PC, PS3 and XBox.

Berita Tipu.

- inspired by @anthraxxxx

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After a few days of rest, my brain jump-started back to life. Since I am having waaaaayyy to much fun with GraphJam, I thought, hey, what the heck… Let’s do some graphs just for my fellow Malaysians. Now now, I promise this won’t be the last. You know how crazy I can get at times.

PS: I’m sorry for not having pics of booby and bootylicious women. They’ll have to wait.

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I hate Vijay. As an actor. I don’t know him in person (how many of us do?) so I won’t be the judge of his personality off-screen. On-screen, you can bet I will be ready to fling cow dung on his movie posters if I get the chance (pending availability of cow dung). Vijay commands a legion of visually impaired and mentally retarded fans (IMHO) who cannot differentiate between good, entertaining movies and pure box-office turdfest.

Ultimate douchebag - Wearing a shirt made out of a saree

For those of you who are in the dark about Vijay (especially the non-Indian readers), he’s an actor in the Tamil movie industry which is more commercially known as Kollywood. Vijay’s movies are predominantly of the same formula and is highly irritating when it comes to his “Hero of the Masses” persona on-screen.  Some girls go totally gaga over him over his very good dancing skills and his complete lack of balls to try out new types of roles and stories in his movies. Vijay overacts in his movies to compensate for the lack of proper storyline. Although it hardly matters as people will only stay to watch the songs where he canoodles with heroines wearing skimpy clothing.

Here are some charts to help you learn more about this douche.

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Saying “sorry” all the time would only make you look like a sorry person. If you don’t say sorry at all, you would look like a high-nosed SOB. My advice is, just say sorry when the situation calls for it. No one told you to really mean it, right?

Just like Captain Vijayakanth mentioned in one of the most outrageously stupid Tamil movie in history: “Mannippu. Tamil-le enakku pudikkaathe varthe” (translation: “‘Sorry’. The word that i despise the most in Tamil”)

Capt. Vijayakanth. You can see how much he hates the word “Sorry”

Well, i think he had his own justifications in uttering those ever famous words which is forever etched into out minds (sadly). The word “sorry” has been used almost as often as toilet paper. Its usage has multiplied faster than field mice.

You wanna say “sorry”, you better keep the following situations in mind:

• You accidentally brushed against some woman’s boobs in a crowded mall
  If  you’re a male, just walk away. Even if you stop to say “sorry”, she’d think you’re a pervert. A pepper spray might follow. Temporary blindness may occur. “Sorry” is bad in this case.

 

• You’re walking in a corridor, and notice your sworn enemy is heading your way reading a leaflet. You “accidentally” bump his shoulder.
  Turn around, say “sorry” with a devilish smirk. Raise one eyebrow. “Sorry” is good, if you wanna intimidate him. “Sorry” is bad if he busts a cap in your ass the next day.

 

• You forgot to hand in your assignment which was due yesterday. You hand it in today.
  “Sorry” ain’t gonna give u back the lost marks. Just leave it on the lecturer’s desk and vanish. Waiting till the lecturer arrives and saying “Sorry” will only provoke them to give a long lecture about discipline. Some might even act like your not there. “Sorry” is definitely not worth it here.

 

• You’ve knocked up your girlfriend. She’s standing in front of you with a pregnancy test-kit, showing “positive”
  Saying “Sorry” in this case would the the biggest mistake of your life. Maybe the last thing you’d ever say before she sticks a knife through your heart. The best reply would be “So….. baby… watchu gonna do?”, said in an innocent tone of a 5-year-old.

 

• Your girlfriend flew halfway around the world to give you a surprise visit on your birthday, and finds you shagging your neighbour.. On the couch she bought for you last year.
  GF: “Sorry…?? You’re sorry? You lying sniveling son of a bitch. Why, i oughtta stick a knife through your sick heart!!”
  You: “Urrmm… I was actually not apologizing to you. I said sorry to Stacy here, because I brought her here instead of going to her apartment”
  Gill Grissom (the next day): Hmmmm…. It seems we have a double homicide here.

 

Hope u’ve wasted enough precious time reading this. I’m SORRY.

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