The statement was issued by a few men and women claiming to be from the Bolehland Ministry of Health wearing lab coats. Members of the press present during the press conference were thoroughly convinced of their credibility when the post-tea break press conference had a tea break halfway through the presentation of their findings.

A credible expert with a lab coat

According to the double-spaced 57-page report, Mr Potatohead had been showing several signs associated with Idiocitis for the past few years. The experts have reason to believe that the PM himself has no knowledge of his condition, due to the fact that one major symptom of Idiocitis is that the victim is oblivious to everything that happens around him, much less the nation itself.

“You can see that the disease has started to eat him completely. The nation is suffering from many crippling issues yet Mr Potatohead publicly announces that the country is booming and soaring to great heights. He also trumpets his achievement of giving out plenty of monetary goodies to the people without understanding that the amount would probably be only enough to buy a month’s supply of tuna and toilet fragrances for a family of 4”, said an expert that had thick-rimmed glasses that made him look important.

Sources have also confirmed that the Prime Minister has no frickin’ idea about the effects of statements that he makes on public events and how he expects himself to be seen as a PM for all citizens of Bolehland after uttering them. Examples include endorsing a bunch of old farts waving a traditional dagger to be the 37^th line of defense for Bolehland when a group of protesters were mobilizing to march on the streets of Bolehland’s capital demanding for common sense in the nation’s electoral process. Another example has him completely mum on the actions of certain right-wing groups demanding the continuation of a 300-year-old policy that allows members of a certain race to sit in the board of a company without doing anything while enjoying 30% of the profits and also obtain a 7% discount on housing prices.

Random big house picture that is entitled for 7% discount. Random.

Despite claims from his cabinet members that the Mr Pinklips Potatohead has gone off to diplomatic meetings around the world, the guys in the lab coat claim the opposite: that the PM is being secretly brought to see health specialists around the world in hopes of being cured of his condition and resume a normal life.

“The man has Idiocitis. He would have no frickin’ idea whether he’s meeting the President of the United States or the President of Ramly Burger.”

When approached, his deputy, Mr Moo Moo had declined to comment on the condition of his boss, but then went on a 25-minute monologue on him being a dickwad first, a Bolehlander second. Unfortunately our on-site journalist died of multiple continuous yawning during the monologue, so we are unable to provide our readers with the full text.

We at My Seed Stories wish the PM of Bolehland a speedy recovery (if a cure exists).

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So what exactly did our famous Malaysians say when asked to comment on the cow and condo issue?

Tun Madey – How do you expect Malays to hold on to power if every single person talks about cows?

Jibby – This is in line with the government’s effort to provide more freedom to the people and cows of Malaysia.

Tsu Koon - My thoughts are the same with the PM, as always. But more importantly, I’m pulling out of the next election. It’s a big sacrifice on my part.

Mooyiddin – Why are you asking me? You should be asking the cowherd.

Rid T – As Malays, we eat lots of beef. Thus it is simple logic that the cows be allowed to do what they want.

Ibbit Ali – This… thisss… this is not a cow nor a condo issue! You Indians don’t eat beef so you are trying to play this up! And it is all because of that Ambiga woman!  Don’t think we can’t see through your lies. We will defend this country before we lose all political power!

CSL – Yes, it was me in that condo. That cow was a very dear personal friend of mine. No more questions.

Saifool – The condo was at a secret location. I went there, and the cow put its penis inside my anus.

Nazri – There is no evidence linking the cows and Saifool.

yoRais - This is the best cow business I have ever chanced upon, since I became a minister. The best ever.

Pak Lah – The minister and her husband are more than capable of handl…… ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Anwar – This is a deliberate attempt made in bad faith, to swindle the monies of the Malaysian people.

Kinabatangan Bigfoot – The minister should resign. And handover the condo as dowry for my wedding.

Khairy – Well, it’s like this. It’s made to look like an escrow account but it’s not. It belongs to the class of “principle-accounts” held under the cow farm bearing interests to the board but not the shareholder, who actually gain an empirical profit from the investment in real-estate based on the mutually exclusive dividends paid out by the buyers of the meat in return for a high quality product. Any schoolkid can understand this simple explanation.

Ali Ketam – We’re drawing up laws against homosexual cows. Just in case.

MACC – The cows will be called up for questioning at the 15th floor of the condominium complex tomorrow. No further comments.

JAKIM – There’s pig DNA in the cows.

Ambiga – Cows can have condos but  regular Malaysians are suffering in the street. If cows can have civil liberties, why can’t we Malaysian citizens have them?!

Guan Eng – Penang has already achieved the national target of producing premium beef at half the cost and manpower. And we have free WiFi at our abattoirs.

Bik Mama – The feedlot didn’t achieve it’s target because it didn’t use green technology. But we have been able to make quality handbags from cow foreskins.

Keng Liang – I thank the PM for his hard work in ensuring that the 1Malaysia citizens are provided with high quality 1Malaysia beef from the 1Malaysia cows. Truly a PM for everyone. 1Malaysia.

Namewee – Cheebai lanjiao cows! Lu ingat senang ah mau bikin feedlot lepas itu kasi buang duit dalam longkang? Pukimak lu lah!

How about those people who are a bit more… well… closer to the ground?

@syahredzan – Lembu? Siapa? Siapa? Siapa kau panggil lembu?

@myy085 – Hatta apa sekalipun yang diperkatakan, daging lembu di Miri yang paling best sekali.

@superredpatek – I promise to give you premium cuts of beef if you vote for me to be the TJ Youth Chief.

@youtiup – Cina mau makan lembu harini.

@aidasue – Hi uols! Jangan lupa, #twtupLembu Ahad ini!

@kennleandre – Stupid cows. #Ha.

@shakirameer – We mamaks make a lot of money with selling nasi kandar, man. I’m don’t give a fuck about where does the beef come from.

@tashny – Fuck. Staying up late night to do this article on cows. Cibai la!

@spinzer – All right guys! Crowdsource RM3000 (using small donations of RM5 – RM10) to buy a cow for my 27th birthday!

@anthraxxxx – Fucking cows and condos! Whose fucking money these fuckers think they’re spending? Cibai lah. Just like the Melaka MRT.

@patrickteoh – Niamah. I also wanna farm cows.

@limmengkeong – Gua hari ini tak nak cakap pasal lembu pasal sudah lama isu ini didebatkan. Hari ini, gua nak cakap pasal laksa Penang.

@pualdidan – Melayu International tak makan daging lembu Malaysia.

@obefiend – Meleis complainng aboit peoplw complaining abput feedlot. Bangang kau pun bayar tax jugak kan? Fucjing ignorant asshols.

@bongkersz – HUUUUAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! What fucking cows? pffffft!

@kavilan – Bored. MIC cows quiet on timeline.

This post was written in collaboration with @bongkersz. Inspiration was from his article titled Malaysian politicians & famous people on #themissingrmafengine

If you have any suggestions for future topics, please put them in the comments section below.

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The art of laughing, first discovered by man when possibly after discovering fire, when a caveman sat too close to it and burned off his pubic hair resulting in mass hysterical laughter by his fellow cave dwellers, is fast becoming a lost art. Bolehland netizens, who mostly use the internet to download porn and watch Youtube clips, are becoming increasingly anal and to a certain level, certified fuckheads when they cannot even comprehend disclaimers put on satire/parody sites.

After failing this with flying colours, proceed to make a police report.

The rule of idiocy looks to be the order of the day. Two biggest communities in Bolehland — Fesbuk and Twitterjaya — are quite influential in spreading links of funny articles and scantily-clad women to their peers. The issue here is, many fuckheads tend to overlook the obvious notices of satire/parody — for example, when a blog clearly mentions “True lies. Total horsecrap. Absolute fiction.” on its main banner for all to see. They then post links in the said communities with emotionally charged comments like “Don’t tok sheeeet!” or “Tiu Nia Bu!!!“. Of course their fellow commenters, who miraculously also lose all ability to perceive logic at the drop of a hat, spread the message with even more venom instead of toilet humour, make the whole debacle more serious that it should have been.

The total arse-ness of Bolehland citizens in reference to satire/parody can be actually blamed on the failed education system. Bolehland practices a very special type of teaching method called “spoonfeed-your-pupils-till-their-brains-stop-functioning-and-they-develop-learning-impediments“. The pupils in school have everything stuffed down their throat by when after the initial 11-year period, they lose all ability to think critically, thus humour is lost. As they say, comedy is serious business.

Authorities in Bolehland were never known to be receptive to satire/parody. With leaders being accused of sodomy and other out-of-this-world sexacapades (honestly, they’re not out of this world. They take place in shady hotels with hidden cameras or condominiums which need passwords to enter), it is no surprise that most men of power in Bolehland walk around with a retractable baton wedged inside their lazy arses.

Retractable batons – Guaranteed to remove humour

Is there hope for satire and parody in Bolehland? Will laughter rule the nation again? I’m not too sure. Let’s just hope the electricity stays on long enough for you to finish reading this, lest you go around the city shouting “Tiu Nia Bu!“.

— Berita Tipu. Kalau hang nak caya, hang ni memang bodoh sial.

This blog sympathizes Hassan Skodeng for the unfair treatment he’s being subjected with, due to the epidemic of “stupidity” spreading far and wide in Bolehland. Keep on fighting.

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Johnny Inggebish had gone through a lot in his life. He had been a great champion of rights for his people. They adored him, or at least provided him the illusion that they adored him. Not that it matters to him. It had taken a lot outta him to be here, at this place. A few more years, a decade at most, and he’ll be the one looking down at all the others. All those years of hard work; all those years of snaking his way in and out, is now under threat of going to waste. All because of a set of documents presented to him in a language he is unable to read in. And the people were demanding for an immediate answer. By not being able to comprehend the report, he’d look like a total idiot.

Being an idiot isn’t cool.

Beads of sweat formed on Johnny Inggebish’s forehead. How is he going to get out of this pickle? This isn’t some issue that he could throw a smokescreen and make a dash for it. His name is stapled to the issue now since he’s the man-in-charge for this whole agenda. There’s only one thing for him to do now. The report’s findings shall not come out, whichever side it favours. The plan began to form slowly.

Johnny Inggebish buzzed his secretary and told her to put forward a request to his boss. He needed all the warlords to agree to this. There’s no other way. He then waited. He knew the big kahuna wouldn’t dare waste time on this matter. Something important for the whole team was coming up, and they need a good leverage. This would be it.

The call came soon enough. The meeting was scheduled tomorrow. Johnny Inggebish sneered. Enough time to prepare his whopper. He slept soundly that night, even managing to enjoy some Dom Perignon before victory was even proclaimed. The man had enough cheek to act so confidently.

The next day

Johnny Inggebish looked at the assembly around him. Time to start the propaganda, he thought to himself. He lifted the documents that were given to him yesterday. He cursed the foreign language. He told his comrades about how foreigners are still burrowing into the country’s young minds and trying to colonize them with television and T-shirts and cars and most importantly, their language. This foreign language must be killed off instantly. He drilled into their heads regarding scientific terms and mathematical equations being the mind-control mechanism of the foreign invaders.

Foreign languages sound funny. They also turn you into sexy blue cat-like people

Johnny Inggebish smiled to himself. He thought to himself about how stupid his “comrades” are. They didn’t know that he doesn’t know how to read the foreign language. That was his plan. He needed to demonize all foreign languages so that his shortcomings would be excused. They failed to see that it wasn’t about national integrity or unity or any of those off-key issues. It was about him. Him alone. Johnny Inggebish’s plan was, if he couldn’t understand the language, then no one else would. And since his plan to get to the top would only come into fruition ina decade or so, he needed the younger generation to be as oblivious as he is now. It is much easier to rule ignoramuses, he thought. Nowadays, EVERYTHING is political.

Johnny Inggebish looked up. He then spoke in his native language.

“Saya menyarankan agar PPSMI dimansuhkan dan kita kembali kepada pembelajaran dalam Bahasa Melayu. Anda setuju atau tidak, sidang kabinet?“

“SETUJUUUUU!!!!!“, came the deafening approval.

This post was taken from my older blog. I felt it was relevant because there a lot of nuts on Twitter speaking terrible Inggebish. What’s worse is that they almost always misunderstand tweets from other people due to their inability to comprehend a simple sentence structured in 140 characters. How dumb can you get?

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DISCLAIMER: ALL screenshots are taken from www.google.com.my

Yes, I imagine Pasha Sondol’s activities are very much interesting.

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?! Ziana Zain?

I thought Uncle Rais only hated Twitter and Facebook. Never knew about bridges, though.

Who the fuck, in their right mind, would wanna see THAT?!

Take note. Malaysians are bored. A lot, apparently.

Aliens? Seriously? Klingons? Biker Mice from Mars?

So many things happening, and One in A Million is a priority. Great.

Dear IGP, have you tried asking Google?

Wow. Malays having sex is a hot topic. On another note, we have lots of pedophiles around as well.

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