I was extremely worried for my friend yesterday. She posted something on her Facebook page that resembled this damning statement: “Twilight: New Moon was the best movie of the year”. After a few calls to her family members I can now rest happily after being assured by them that my friend was brought to a psychiatric hospital and was diagnosed with severe delusions. She is currently undergoing treatment.

The Twilight “Saga” has been the talk of many irritating teenage girls and also young adult women who have no connection to the real world. I, for one, do not fucking understand, WHY, for the love of God, is the whole series called a “saga”. The Lord of the Rings trilogy was a saga. The entire Star Wars universe was a saga. I cannot accept movies with effeminate vampires and one-dimensional actresses as sagas.

If you haven’t heard about Twilight by now, congratulations. Although you seem to be totally living in the stone age, I still have hope for humanity. Here’s a gist. Mortal high school chick falls in love with 108-year-old effeminate vampire in the 1st movie. Said effeminate vampire wimps out and runs away, and high school chick gets all mopey and teases an effeminate werewolf in 2nd movie. The 3rd movie will feature the effeminate vampire and the mopey chick talking about marriage and the effeminate werewolf feels sorry for his furry ass. In the 4th installment, they marry and have a child. The end.

Forgive me, but let me ask you one question. How do you like your vampires? I like mine bloody, fangy, and probably don’t give two fucks about humans giving them the stick. That’s like totally opposite to Edward Cullen, the protagonist of the Twilight series. Edward is a “vegetarian” vampire – that means he only sucks blood from animals and not humans. Yeah, right. Can you imagine what would happen if Edward went to a vampire-only school? He would’ve got his ass handed to him by all the other vampire kids. Everybody’s going around biting into some poor human’s neck and here we have Edward sucking on a chicken neck. Col Sanders ain’t gonna be too happy with that, I tell ya.

This is how I like my vampires. Gnarly and bloody

What about the female lead? Bella’s her name. Nothing much to say about her. She walks around the whole series staring wide-eyed into the camera. It’s almost like she’s sorry for herself for taking up the role of a female lead whose character development is more alike to a plate of damp rice slowly going mouldy over a few days.

Then we have the 3rd person here: Jacob the effing werewolf. Apparently, the werewolf clan from the whole series have forgotten how to wear shirts. Yeah sure, they have rock hard abs and all, but is that really necessary? I mean, after all, you’re simply gonna change into a big teethy dog and run around here and there. Does it make an effing difference here? And come on, the werewolves don’t look so scary at all. Though I’m not surprised at this. Afterall, this IS a movie with “vegetarian” vampires.

An example of a scary and tough werewolf.

Even this is acceptable. Very grungy.

The Twilight werewolf. More like cute doggy from the pound.

Back to my delusional friend. Perhaps she hasn’t seen any other movie this year, but COME ON! Twilight? That is such a seedy movie, my frens.

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