My Seed Stories

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The dust has not yet settled following the events of the Bersih 2.0 rally for electoral reforms held on Saturday, 9th of July. Many stories were shared and many reactions were posted on cyberspace. Some laughed, some cried, some jizzed their pants, some did not know what the fuck was going on and started planning a round-KL sightseeing trip and some even slept through the whole day.

It is a new Malaysia, one that has showed us the true spirit a unity and also unmasked the ugly side of certain assholes hell-bent on making life hard for the public. One could only imagine the source of anti-socialism for the latter category mentioned; father didn’t hug them much, father hugged them too much, God knows what…

Ladies and gentlemen,

I’m sure you already know all the colourful characters that were involved during the build-up to to event that unfolded with a deafening crescendo. But who takes home the top prizes for their respective categories? Don’t worry as I have painstakingly done all the necessary vote rigging to ensure that your favourite person walks home with the award while I pocket some contracts to make a nationwide murukku franchise.

Before we move on to the awards, here’s a few messages from our sponsors.

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Hello there! We’re back for the awards and what a great night it’s gonna be! I don’t have many categories to give away and the government ain’t too keen on high standards once they’ve given their contracts out so here’s my wishy-washy awards!

Seed Stories’ Madey Flip-Flop Award

And the winner is…… **drumroll** Jibby!

Come on now! Who else was gonna win this award? I mean, first he said I don’t know her, then I saw her once, then he went back to I don’t know her…. Oh sorry off topic. First he said you can’t walk… then he said I’ll give you a big stadium to shout in, then he said I dunno what’s a stadium please ask my boys sorry gotta go pack I wanna meet Big Ben tataaaa ohai Benedict!

That was a great escape that no one else had ever done in Malaysian politics. Even the senile old man, whom this award was named after, can’t beat this flip-flop with his omaigoat ayam gonna retire boo hoo hoo boo hoo oh wait i’m okay now i won’t retire come let’s go get some contracts…

Seed Stories’ Obefiend Trolling Award

We saw plenty of trolling leading up to the days before Bersih happened. Many candidates put their name forward with mindfuckingly weird actions focused on the single aim of riling another party up and driving them up an imaginary wall lined with elephant snot.

And the award goes to… … .. Dang Wangi police station!!!!!!!

Come collect your permit. Yes yes yes, come come.  - Ok we’re on the way. – LOLJK! Nah this is just a letter denying you permit. You just got PUNKD yo!

Do I need to explain further?

Seed Stories’ J. Bruce Ismay Cowardice Award

Mr Ismay oversaw the construction of the Titanic and famously abandoned ship as soon as it started sinking, unlike the Captain who went down with the ship (according to majority of reports). We have a clear winner in this category and it is none other than….

Katak Ali!

Katak Ali, during a press conference. Please note that the camera adds 10 pounds.

If anyone cared to look back at the weeks leading to Bersih 2.0, Katak Ali was a loudmouth, spewing nonsense and hatred to anyone who would give him a mic to speak at. He promised a confrontation, and even appointed himself as a War General, despite the public already knowing that the only battle he ever participated in was one with a chocolate bar that he could not remove from the wrapping.

Chocolate wrapper in shameful defeat

What happened when the big day came? Katak Ali disappeared from the radar for more than 24 hours before making an appearence AFTER the event in a government media barking and hollering as usual. He publicly stated that he will be ducking behind his wife’s skirt/sarong but famously ordered his men to take a stroll at a location miles away from the original point of rendezvous thus proving that a dung beetle has bigger balls than him.

Seed Stories’ Crazy Hobo Conspiracy Theory Award

Many conspiracy theories surfaced last few weeks and it has been terribly hard to make a decision pertaining to this. The voting was lopsided very much like our Election Commission and even that produced a very close result. Recount was done within closed doors and it was a tough decision because either side offered a lot of kickbacks to me. Finally, I decided the winner to be… …

KERISMUDDIN!

Able to talk gibberish faster that a speeding bullet.

 (Photo from Mob’s Crib)

Yes folks, Kerismuddin famously said that communists are trying to usurp power and topple the government based on the fact that he saw 6 SOCIALISTS in possession of CHE GUEVARA tees along with yellow tees that were probably championing cleanliness. Shit, this ass is loonier than Mel Gibson (movie and real-life versions combined).

Coming in at a close second is the boys in blue finding (alleged) evidence of terrorism with neatly packed yellow tees and molotov cocktails. Wouldn’t take a genius to point out that those “molotovs” won’t amount to shit coz they’re in freakin’ PLASTIC bottles. Either they think we’re idiots or they’ve collectively at lead pellets while they were kids.

Seed Stories’ Richard Nixon Fib Award

You know, politicians lie. It just depends on how smart the lie is. If you’re wondering why this award was named after that bulldog Nixon, imagine this: the idiot got caught lying. So, without further ado, I bring to you, the winner for this magnificent award,

Oh my God it’s a double-winner! Give it up for Dr Chua and Mr Liow!

Pictured: Dr Chua's dinner

Yes folks, what an awesome fib it was! First the hospital said yes we coughed and itched, then the duo said, “Noooo the wind made you cough and itch!”, then the hospital said none of us coughed and itched, then one idiot said something random and another idiot said photos and videos cannot be brought into the discussion, then suddenly the doctors came out and said, Oi fuckers! We all coughed and itched la! And YOU made us cough and itch! We saw you do it!

KAPOOOWWWW!!! Duo left red-faced. Awaiting moronic reply. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, …….

Pictured: Your credibility being hosed down by water cannon

So there you have it folks! We’re done with today’s awards! Tune in next year or some other time some fucked up shit happens and kids, don’t forget – All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to something something something I don’t know… Here’s another message from our sponsors:

I just needed an excuse to put a picture of a hot girl here.

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